Self Destruction
by twilighter1414
Summary: what would happen if when Edward left Bella started cutting and doing drugs with her new friends? what would happen iF Edward and the rest of the cullens return and want to help? Bella is OOC
1. Chapter 1

I don't want you."

"What? You don't want me?"

"No."

I woke up screaming, as usual. Charlie has stopped coming to check on me the 7th time I woke up like this. It's been 5 months since Ed-he left me. And I was still hurting from it. I was still having the same nightmare ever since he left me I've never been the same

I stumbled out of my bed and mindlessly got ready for school. Today would be the same as yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. I would go to English then Math then I would have lunch with the same people who had given up on talking to me. Then I would go to biology. All the while I would have the aching pain in my chest as if someone had stabbed my heart. And I guess you could say that they did.

I arrived at school went to my class sat in my seat and rested my head on my desk. I was early I hated being early it ment to much time to think which I also hated. It wasn't long before Mike showed up and started talking ot me. He only talked to me in this class but I was okay with it.

"Hey Bella how's it going?"

"Same old" we went through the same conversation everyday.

English went by as a blur. Teachers no longer asked me questions, they knew I wouldn't answer them. I did the work that was assigned and that was all.

By the time the lunch bell rang I was ready to go home but administration said that if I skipped one more class it would mean suspension. I just hated biology its where we met. The knife depend in my chest from thinking about him.

After 10 minutes of sitting at our usual table Lauren looked at me and said

"if you are going to sit there and say nothing then you might as well leave"

She said this to me everyday and everyday I ignored her. They continued their conversation

"Did you hear? We have and assembly next period."

"There is? I asked. Everyone looked at me in shock. They had reason to I hadn't spoken at lucn in 5 months.

"Yeah umm.. we do" Angela replied still a little shocked.

"Do you know what its about?" I didn't really like assemblies but if it got me out of class I didn't mind going. We first spoke in biology I can't believe he got over my blood

I could feel the knife twist in my heard. I guess the pain appeared on my face because Mike looked up at me and said

"Bella are you okay?"

I nodded my heard in response to afraid to speak in case my voice broke then they would surely know that something was wrong. After lunch we headed to the auditorium. I sat by myself. I didn't want any more abuse from Lauren.

As I waited for the assembly to start I counted the seats. Anything to keep my mind from wandering. If I thought about him again I knew I would cry. After counting all 694 seats twice the assembly finally started.

"Good afternoon students I'm here to talk about teen issues" the speaker said.

At that point I just tuned her out. I knew someone would mention something that would remind me of him.

20 minutes had passed and I counted the number of students who went to the assembly 4 times. When I heard something that made me focus on what the speaker was saying

Escape The Pain

Escape the pain? Really?

"The 2 main things teens do to "escape the pain" "is throwing up and cutting.

Well those things weren't for me. Throwing up? I didn't thinik that I needed to lose weight and cutting I'm not suicidal. But the speaker put on a video and I decided to watch. It was 2 girls about 16 talking

"I never thought I was fat. But when I threw up it gave me a sense of control that my life was going back to the way it use to me"

It switched to the other girl

"I never wanted to die but when I ran the blade across my wrists it was like all the emotional pain was leaving through that cut and I numbness took over my body"

What those girls said made sense. The feelings they said happened were the same feelings that I had been craving for 5 long months**.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

After my usual "Loud awakening" I headed down stairs to make breakfast it was Saturday. I hated Saturday it meant to much time to think.

I cut through my bagel and stopped to look at the knife, I could imagine slicing my skin open and watching the crimson liquid leave my body. Tagging along of course was the pain that I felt every minute of every day. I could only imagine the knife in my chest not longer twisting and turning with every wrong thought that reminded me of Ed-him. I examined the knofe one more time before I threw it in the sink

"Get ahold of yourself Bella!" I muttered to myself

I ate my bagel and topped it off with some water. I felt full. Really full. Too full. I wonder what it would feel like to bring my fingers up to my mouth and ram them down my throat and everything I just ate would leave my body.

Wait! Did I just think that? About throwing up and cutting myself! Surely I didn't that's horrible! Why would I do that I don't want to die. I don't think I'm fat. Well… my legs could me a little smaller….but still I'm not crazy. But that idea was in my head and I couldn't get it out. It lingered there for the rest of the day I was in an on going argument with myself

Its crazy if you do it

No I wont

Really, its nuts

Do you want to get rid of the pain?

Of course I do

You know how don't you?

Yes

Then what's stopping you?

That's where the argument stopped. I could never think of anything that would stop me. Friends? Nope I barely spoke to them. Parents? Nope. Renee lived on the other side of the country how would she find out? Charlie worked long hours he couldn't find out. Love? I loved no one and was loved my no one. So whats stopping me?

Nothing.

I picked up the knife and gently slid it across my wrist. Not enough to break the skin but enough to leave a red line across. I examined it trying to believe I had just done it. I saw it with my own eyes but I expected pain. Maybe a little sting but still, pain.

There was no pain but something new. Pleasure? I think so. It felt as if a portion, and a small portion at that, had left me. But it came straight back to me.

I looked at the knife. My pain killer. I loved that knife it was a friend. A true friend. One that couldn't leave me unless I said so. One that could really help me escape the pain. A friend that if only temporary could remove the other knife in my chest that depend and twisted with every wrong though. And for the first time in 5 months, I grinned.

I ran the knife along my wrist again. Only breaking the first layer of skin not enough to draw blood. But as the numbness washed over me my body went limp. It felt so good. I had to catch myself on the kitchen counter to steady myself. It took longer for the pain to come back. So I enjoyed every second I got. Something brought me back to life. A sound. Tires on gravel? SHIT! Charlie is home.

I threw the knife in the sink ran to my room and got dressed. Putting on a long sleeve shirt with thumb holes. Call me paranoid but there is no way Charlie was finding out about his. He would think I was crazy! Everyone would! No one could understand.

"Bella you home?"

"Yeah dad I'm up stairs"

I threw my hair in a messy bun and went down stairs

"How was fishing?"

"Not so good they weren't biting." The knife in my chest twisted. I'm pathetic. Biting reminded me of them. I turned quickly so Charlie wouldn't see. As the knife in my chest depend a thought came to mind. Once it was there it was screaming at me

CUT! CUT! CUT! CUT!

It took all my strength not to run to the sink grab my knife and slit my wrists open.

"I'm going to my room" I did my best to keep my voice level. Either Charlie believed it or he didn't want to deal with the potential water works.

I went to the bathroom first. Grabbed one of my disposable razors and pried the plastic off. Until I had nothing but a blade.

I looked at it. Marveled it. Another friend. And I ran it across my veins this time a drop of blod came. I sat back on my bed not believing. I wasn't believing that I ahd don't that. I wasn't believing that in that drop of blood so much numbness had fallen over me. I wasn't believing that I had a strange urge to do something… something bad.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

With this strange new urge I grabbed my jacket and headed to my truck. 15 dollars in hand

"Where ya going" Charlie called over to me

"just to the store I think we need some milk"

"alrighty then"

I drove to the store and turned on the radio for the first time in 5 months. I changed the startion and the song "Gives You Hell" was on. I started to chuckle to my self. I really hope it does and I sang along

When you see my face I hope it gives you hell hope it gives you hell

When you walk my way hope it gives you hell hope it gives you hell!

When I got to the store I turned off my truck and took a deep breath. I entered the store and went straight to the milk section grabbed it and headed to the counter. Was I really going to do this? Yes I was.

"is that all?" the store clerk asked me

"No I would also like a pack of cigarettes"

"What kind?" Crap. I looked around and picked randomly

"Number 7" she turned around and as she did so I placed my hand on a pack of gum and quietly slid it up my sleeve.

"That comes to $9" I handed her the right about of money and quickly walked out.

I got in my truck and took a big breath in. I took the gum out of my sleeve and looked at it. I stole it! Me! Bella Swan! I put it down and opened my smokes and popped one in my mouth I grabbed my lighter from the glove compartment and lit it up. I could feel myself getting lightheaded. Some pain actually left. It wasn't as good as cutting but I could do this a school. We had our own smoke hole! I finished my smoke and got out some gum.

"Bella?" Charlie yelled when I walked in the door

"Yeah dad it's me"

"Billy wants me to come over tonight, are you going to be okay?"

"Yeah. I'll be fine" better then fine really.

"Okay then"

I went to my room, put my smokes and lighter in my back pack and put my old sweats on and waited. I was waiting for Charlie to leave. Seconds went by as minutes and minutes went by as hours but finally he was leaving.

"Bye"

"Bye dad"

I went to my window and watched him leave. I lingered there for a few moments after to make sure he wasn't coming back. When I knew he was gone for good I grabbed my blade and pressed it on my wrist. I used more pressure then before and blood started spilling out. I help my breath not wanting to smell it. But when I couldn't take it any more I breathed in heavily. But the sickness didn't come I inhaled again. I sat back leaning against my bed frame and I let the numbness take over me. It was like a strange high. I wondered what really getting high was like. I would have to try some time.

I could feel the numbness leaving and the pain coming back so I took another slice .

After that was done and all the pain came back I heard a rumble in my stomach and decided to was time to make something to eat.

I decided on making a sandwich with some juice. After that was finished I felt more full than usual. I looked down at my stomach and it was hanging over my pant line. Ugh! Disgusting! I then had an idea and walked up the stairs to the bathroom I shoved my finger down my throat. I felt it all come back up and flow out my mouth and into the toilet.

When I was done I looked down at my stomach it was not flat. Not totally flat, lets face it, it couldn't hurt to lose a little weight

It was a little after 11 when Charlie came home

"How was it dad?"

"Good. Jacob wants to see you again"

"Oh maybe I'll come sometime." I wasn't actually going to go I would make up some excuse to get out of it.

"I was hoping you would say that" he yawned " well im going to bed now. Night bells"

"Night dad"

He headed up the stairs as he made it to the top of the stairs I heard a loud rumble coming from my stomach

"No midnight snack for you" I mumbled to myself

It rumbled again almost hearing what I said. I sighed and headed to bed


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

I woke up and looked out the window to see that Charlie was already gone. My stomach was growling even harder than last night. I wonder…. If I cut would my hunger pain go away? Well I might as well try. I grabbed my blade a sliced open my wrist. Not only did numbness fall over me, but my hunger pains were also silenced.

After 15 minutes I decided it was about time to get up. I noticed that my arm was still bleeding so I went to the bathroom and wrapped it up in toilet paper. It reminded me of a tenser bandage that I had to wear once. An idea clicked in my head and I started rummaging through all my cupboards. I knew we had one! But where? I finally found it in the back of the junk draw. I kept the toilet paper on so it wouldn't bleed through and I wrapped the bandage around my entire forearm. I could just tell people that I fell.

Brilliant!

I got dressed and headed for school. By the time I got there everyone was inside. I arrived for English just on time. As I got settled in Mike came over

"Hey what's up?"

"same old" our routine conversation.

"What happened to your arm"

"umm… " I stuttered " i-i-I fell… down my stairs… this morning" it was obvious I was lying, but I guess he though I was just embarrassed.

"Shitty, you okay?

"yeah I'll be fine" I suddenly got my "I-Wanna-Do-Something-Bad" urge I had a sly smile on my face and spoke

"hey mike, you said that you're parents are going out Friday, right?"

"Yeah. But my neighbors are watching so I can't have a party."

"yeah but you can have 1 friend over right?" I said seductively. He cleared his throat

"n-n-no that's fine" I bit my lip trying to look sexy

"well ill see you then"

"Yeah…sounds great" he said with a grin

The bell rang as class started and Mike took his seat. I barely pain attention. I couldn't believe I had just done that. Me! Bella Swan! The most awkward of people! Just seduced Mike Newton! I didn't even realize it was lunch until Mike came up and whispered in my ear

"wanna sit with me?"

"umm sure"

We sat down at our usually table. Jessica eyeing me and Mike, who had taken a seat rather close. I was still silent and right on time I got

"If you are just going to sit there and say nothing then you might as well leave"

So I did. I grabbed my stuff and walked out, destination in mind. Smoke hole.

I checked to make sure my lighter and smokes were in my bag before I went there. I was hoping that no one was going to be there but when was luck ever on me side? I crossed the street to see the ususal 15 or so people there.

I walked over and sat on the curb and started to smoke. 4 people gathered around me so I stood up to face them. There was 1 girl how had long black hair and 3 guys all with dark hair.

"Why are you here?" she asked harshly but I could hear the curiosity in her voice . I could tell that I was going to need to be tough

"Why does it look like I'm here?" I got 4 bewildered looks before the girl spoke again

" I like you. I'm Mikayla this is Jason, Ryan and Matt"

"Cool, I'm Bella"

"We know. You were dating the Cullen guy right?"

The knife in my chest twisted so I took a long drag from my cigarette before I said

"Yeah I was"

"well… what happened?" he pressured

"what do you think happened?" Mikayla snapped "they broke up. Duh!"

I just nodded. Breaking voiced didn't make you seem tough

"Finish that up we are going to lunch when you are done" Ryan said

I finished in 4 big drags . I was extremely light headed and extremely numb. The way I like to be.

As we walked in the cafeteria you should of seen the look on Laurens face. See I already knew about Mikayla Ryan Matt and Jason (who sat really close beside me) they were all well known in the school. Known for being smokers, players and being bad. Now I sit with them


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

"Bella what do you have next?" Jason asked me.

"Bio"

"Ew" Mikayla chirped

"Wanna skip?"

I knew it was a bad idea. But I needed to seem bad

"Sure but i'll get suspended"

"HOLY!" exclaimed Matt "How many times have you skipped?"

"Almost every bio class" this impressed them

"Well Ryan has a G wanna come?"

"Alright" I didn't know what a G was but if it could remove any pain I was willing to try it

"Whose car?"

"Why not mine?" I said "3 can sit inside while 2 can hide in the back"

"Good idea"

So we all piled into my truck. Mikayla Jason (who was still sitting a little to close) and me in the truck while Matt and Ryan hid in the back. Finally we arrived at my house

"Why are we here?" Ryan asked

"There is a forest over there, no one can see us" even though I had no clue on what we were doing, if we couldn't do it at school I figured we wouldn't want anyone to see us

"Smart" he replied

We walked into the forest. The knife in my chest twisted with every step. I haven't been here since the day he left me. We finally came to a stop and we all went into a circle. Ryan pulled out a bad that looked like it was full of grass. I analyzed it trying to figure out what it was.

"You've never smoked dope have you?" Ryan said chuckling

"No I haven't" they all started to giggle

"I am now aren't I?"

"Better now then never" Jason said

"Give her first toke" Mikayla demanded

Ryan who looked a little upset did was he was told. As he lit the weed I inhaled it. Feeling it going through my lungs. The back of my throat started to burn a bit. When I let it all out I felt very relaxed. It was better then smoking cigarettes but no where near good as cutting.

The weed was passed around the circle 6 times before we decided it was time to stop

"Hey Bella" Matt said with a smile "do you have any food at your house?" I don't know why but I just started laughing and one of my secrets spilled out

"Probably because I haven't eaten in like 2 days"

Everyone looked at me in shock and worry

"Why" Jason whispered

I wanted to lighten the mood so I spoke as casually as I could

"You know, got lose a few pounds" I laughed and everyone joined in

We started walking back to my house when Jason slipped he arm around my waist and pulled me close to him. The knife in my chest deepened. I wasn't ready for this. Yet I was ready for Mike? I decided to ignore it when I remember something

"Promise me you won't do anything reckless of stupid Bella" Ed-His velvety voice sang through my ears. I wonder how he would feel now, if he knew the things I did

Cutting myself, throwing up, starving myself, smoking, doing drugs, stealing and sleeping with 1 (maybe 2) guy(s)

It was a good thing he wasn't here he would of killed me!

When we finally got back to my house I let them all in and led them to my kitchen. When they got all the food they wanted we led them back to the table. Jason (who decided not to eat) pulled me onto his lap moved my hair to one side and whispered in my ear

"you don't need to lose weight you're hot they way you are"

I blushed deeply and he kissed me. First on the cheek then the lips. My mouth was forced pen and his tongue was sliding in and out of my mouth and mine did to his. I had never been kissed like this, I liked it though

After many wolf whistles and howls we broke apart

I looked at the clock

"I should drive you guys back to school now" I said still blushing

We climbed into my car using the "same seat" rule Jason's arm was still wrapped around my waist as I drove. I pulled into the parking lot. As I exited my truck I tripped and fell on my face. Usually I would be totally embarrassed by this but instead I just started laughing hysterically. I saw Jessica, Mike, Angela, Ben, Lauren and Eric watching but I didn't care. Jason gave me a quick good bye kiss and they got into their cars. I climbed in mine and saw Mike walking over to me a disappointed look on his face

"Hey Bella" he sighed

"Hey Mike" I tried to muffle a giggle

"Do you and Jason have a thing now?"

"no it was just a kiss" I stretched out the "s" and started to laugh again

"So you are still coming over Friday?"

"Yep" I laughed as I popped the p

"Bella are you high?"

I opened my car door and pulled him close. So I was sitting in my truck while he stood. I wrapped my arms around his neck and kissed him. My mouth forcing his open and sliding my tongue with his. His hands went around my waist and fell to my ass I broke away and whispered in his ear

"shhh don't tell"

I felt him nod and I kissed him on the cheek. I laughed again and my truck roared to life. I started to drive home and I looked in my rear view mirror to see 2 very malicious stares coming form Lauren and Jessica. I laughed and continued home.

Once I got there I felt extremely tired. I trudged up the stairs thinking about everything I had done. I decided I liked the new reckless Bella. When I got to my room I pulled out my blade slit my wrist. The numbness hit me like a ton of bricks. I wrapped my arm back up and fell asleep


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

It's been one month since I first started hanging out with my new crew. Today I woke up at 5 am and decided to get ready for school. My stomach was rumbling like crazy. I decided that toast would be fine bit it turned out to be 3 pieces of toast 4 glasses of mild and cereal. I was disgusted with myself so I went to the bathroom and barfed it out of me.

"Bella you okay?" Charlie asked from out side the door

"Yeah I'm fine there's a flu going around at school" I lied. Yeah I could lie now. Mikayla taught me.

"Well I'm leaving, feel better darling"

"Will do"

A couple minutes after he left the phone started to ring

"Hello"

"Hey its M" a nick name for Mikayla.

"What's up?"

"Wanna smoke up?"

"Sure when and where?"

"Your house 8 am see you then"

"Peace"

I hung up the phone and checked to see what time it was 7:30, I bet I could get a good cut in so I went up stairs grabbed my blade and cut my arm. I watched as the blood slowly started pouring out of my arm and all the pain from him leaving was exiting my body. The numbness fell over me and after 15 minutes I wrapped toilet paper around my cut and the bandage around my forearm. When I haerd a knock on the door. I answered to see Jason

"hey Jason"

"Hey" he half smiled

"Where's everyone else?"

"Umm no here yet"

"Oh well come sit down"

He came in and we sat in the living room as he was sitting down he pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me.

"I'd like to see more of you Bella" he whispered

"Jason I don't know…"

He chuckled.

"not what I meant. I want to see MORE Bella"

And his hands were slowly starting to take off my shirt. I didn't know what to say or what to do. Nothing like this has ever happened before. So I let him take it off as I twisted myself so that I was straddling him. I started to kiss him which turned quickly into a make out session.

"Jeeze guys you knew we were coming over" Mikayla said plopping down on the couch beside us.

I blushed deeply and scrambled to get my shirt back on

"You ready Bella?"

"Yeah" I said shyly

"Then lets go"

Jason wrapped is arm around my waist and we headed into the forest.

When we were done we headed to get into our cars. I stumbled to mine and tried to place the ket in the door to unlock it bit I kept laughing which made it impossible.

"Here Bella you can ride with me, we know a short cut" Jason said

Cut. I suddenly became paranoid. What if someone found out? What if Charlie found my blade?

"I'll ride with you, but I gotta grab something wait here."

I ran inside, tripping up the stairs I grabbed my blade and put it in my pocket and carefully walked back to his car

"Now you ready?"

"Yep.

I was still a little stoned when we arrived at school which was earlier then usual. I turned to Mikayla

"What if someone knows I'm…?" I didn't want to say it out loud in fear that someone would hear which was unlikely because we were the only one here.

"That's why we are early. Try to get a feel that we gotta pretend that we are early"

"Anyone for a smoke?" Ryan asked

We all agreed and headed for the smoke hole. It was Ryan who was first to speak

"What are your plans for tonight Bella?"

"What I do every Friday night."

"Oh you're going to Mikes?"

"Yeah"

"I wonder what you guys are doing" Jason asked sarcastically

"You're not mad are you?" he started to laugh

"No! its not like we are dating!"

"Okay good" I sighed in relief

I went through all of my morning classes without anyone noticing anything just as I was putting my things in my locker Jason showed up

"Wanna go to the cafe together?"

"Sure but you're caring me"

"Crashing already Bella?" he shook his head in disappointment jokingly

"Shut up"

I jumped onto his back we started walking

"I weigh more than the average back pack you know"

"Bella have you seen yourself you've lost like 10 pounds"

I started thinking about the way I eat. I only ate a supper, for Charlie's sake, and even then I threw it up later that night.

When we got to the Cafe he sat me on the table leaned In to kiss me and whispered

"I'm buying you lunch. Eat it."

I realized how hungry I was so I agreed to eat. While Jason was getting me lunch Matt leaned toward me and said

"Jess and Lauren are giving you REALLY dirty looks" Mikayla looked over and laughed

"If looks could kill"

"Well they will kill me after this"

I got up and walked to their table and sat on Mikes lap and kissed him. I then made it into a full on make out session sliding my hands all along his chest . when we were done I got up and whispered just loud enough for Jess and Lauren to hear

"I'll see you tonight"

I proceeded to walk to my table and drape myself over Jason

"Slut" Lauren called

And before I could even react, or even process what she had said Mikayla was walking over to her and Jessica shouting

"You wanna come say that to her face?"

Lauren ignored her and continued talking to her table. Mikayla went over to them and slammed her hands on their table shoved her face in Laurens and shouted

"I SAID! YOU WANNA SAY THAT TO HER FACE?"

Lauren who was in shock by all this, looked at me then M

"You're a joke get of here" then she spit on her

I lost my mind I started sprinting over to her (very impressed that I didn't fall) Ryan and Matt were holding Mikayla back while Jason grabbed me from behind I was thrashing around until we were out side. Jason lit a smoke then shoved it in my mouth to calm me down

"Why did you hold us back!" Mikayla snapped

"Because one more fight and you're going to get expelled" Ryan said through gritted teeth

I realized that Lauren was in my next class

"Well I'm going home see you Monday"

"Have fun with Mike" he called in a girly voice I flipped him off from behind and they all started laughing


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N**

Incase you are wondering , in the month Bella did sleep with Jason. She has done Weed Coke and Meth.

Chapter 7

I got home and removed my blade from my pocket.

"You're never leaving my sight" I muttered to myself.

There was too much excitement that happened today and I was still a bit nervous to go to Mikes so I can it across my wrist and let my mind wander. Which was a terrible idea because soon it lead to him and even though I hated him it still hurt.

Eventually I remembered the meadow and how wonderful it was. That was where he first kissed me. His ice cold lips crushed onto mine. It was the definition of perfection.

The knife in my chest did a 360 then deepened through my heart. I gasped out in pain. I reached for my blade and used more pressure then ever before. My arm looked like it was going to fall off. But it felt so good.

I ran to the bathroom to try and wash it our and stop the bleeding. When it wouldn't stop I knew that it was going to need stitches.

Panic flooded through my body. They were going to find out! Everyone was! Charlie believed that I fell at school and that's why I needed the bandage. Everything was ruined! But what if I stitched it myself? I started running around the house looking for the suing (A/N I'm not sure that is correct spelling?). I tripped and stumbled many times until I found it.

I got everything ready and I began to stitch my arm up. I braced myself for pain but once again it didn't come. It was like I was just cutting myself. I was nothing but numb. This was going to be the perfect feeling for Mike. I left a note for Charlie saying that I was going to Angela's house (he didn't know about my new friends because I didn't think he would like them. He had arrested them multiple times) I got in my truck and drove to school.

I saw Mike arguing with Jess so I pulled up beside them, lit a smoke and said

"Mike you ready?" he looked at Jess then at me and bit his lip

"Umm… Yeah, Okay lets get going" "Jessica's mouth went in the shape of and O as she watech mike drive out of the parking lot, with me fallowing him.

I was still extremely numb when we got to Mikes house. I was surprised I could even drive. We walked into his house and he lead me to his room. I started to take me shirt off. The usual routine

"Bella can we talk for a sec?" he asked nervously

"Yeah what about?"

"What has happened to you?"

"What the fuck do you mean?" what the hell kinda question was that?

"You're so different now, doing drugs, smoking…" he really did sound concerned. But he shouldn't be. So I placed a finger on his lips

"Shhh"

"But Bell…What about Jason? What if he finds out?"

"Don't worry he knows I'm here…and what a I'm doing" I started to unbutton his shirt.

"He's okay with it?"

"Yes now hush" and I silenced him with a kiss I pushed him down on the bed and crawled ontop of him unbuttoning the rest of his shirt as he pulled mine off. I pulled my mouth away from his and kissed his neck

"Bella I can't do this"

"I think you can" I said still kissing his neck

I slid my hands down to take his pants off but his hands stopped me. He rolled over so that I was off him and he got up and started to pace the room. It was only now that I saw him with only Jeans on that I realized he had really been working out.

"Have you been working out? You look really good Mike" I said

He ignored me and continued to pace. After 5 minutes I spoke again

"Alright what's wrong?"

"UGH! I'm looking at you Bella with just a Bra and some shorts on and it looks like I could crush you! You really don't realize how much weight you have lost"

It didn't matter how numb I was he crossed the line

"OH MY GOD! Not this AGAIN Mike! I'm FINE but if you don't want this…"

"Don't want this? I have wanted this since the first day I met you"

"Then stop worrying"

He came over to the bed and we started up again.

***

I was putting the rest of my clothes on while Mike watched on the bed.

"see you next Friday I called as I left the room"

I was halfway home when all the numbness was gone and the pain came back. I started to cry. I was breaking my promise to him. Even though he broke all of his. I didn't realize how much I missed him. Realizing this made me hate him even more.

I finally made it home I was glad that Charlie was still not here. Must be at Billy's I thought. I ran to my room and tripped over the floor board. It came out and flew across the floor with me. When I went to put it back in something caught me eye.

All of my presents from my birthday, including the pictures of me and Edward. The knife in my chest deepened and tears began flowing out .i was glad that I now always kept my blade in my pocket. I took it out and ran it across me arm. But I was still hurting so I did it again and again but none of them were deep enough. So I used all my strength and ran it across my wrist I knew that this would need stitches again. But I wanted it. I sat there for a minute letting the blood flow out.

After that I looked for my needle and thread to stitch my arm back up. It felt so good when I was numb. Only when I gave myself stitched could I think about him. But this time instead of memories of him I thought about killing him. He did this to me. And I hated him with every fibre of my being.

"Bella you home?" Charlie called

"Yeah I'll start dinner in a minute" I wrapped my arm back up and headed downstairs.

"Wanna just have Kraft dinner?" he asked

"Sure dad" I hated dinner it was the only time I had to eat. Even though I just threw it up later I could never get all of it.

Charlie was eyeing me the whole time I was cooking. Did he actually think I didn't know how to cook Kraft dinner? I was finally done I sat down Charlie eying me again and said

"We need to talk."

"About what?" I said nervously

"Bella it looks like you have lose 25 pounds!"

Anger flooded through me. I couldn't imagine how angry I would have been if I wasn't so numb.

"Dad I'm Fine!" I tried to calm down. Anger wouldn't win this fight. I tried again

"Seriously I am. You see hoe much I eat a dinner" which I hated to admit, was a lot. Once I got eatint it was hard for me to stop.

"Then how are you losing so much weight?" he really was worried

"My Metabolism is probably speeding up"

"You're right… I'm sorry" wow he actually believed that?

"it's okay you're just being a good dad" I said smiling

We started eating and I decided not to throw up tonight. Just in case he would wake up and find out.

After dinner I went straight to bed


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

I woke up with grey light streaming through my window and I heard rain drops plopping on the roof. I looked at my alarm clock 11:00 am. Ugh my new habits are defiantly taking toll on my sleeping. The phone started to ring, I groaned and headed down stairs to answer it

"Hello?"

"Hey Bella?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"It's Jason you dumbass wanna smoke up?

"Sure come on over"

"K see you sexy"

I blushed as I hung up the and went to my room to get dressed, brush my teeth and wait. The knife in my chest was hurting so I grabbed my blade and gently slid it across my veins

"mmm" I moaned out of happiness. I put my blade in my pocked when I heard the door bell ring. I wrapped my arm up and went down stairs.

"Hey" I said

"Hey hottie whats going on?"

"Nothing, where we gonna do this?"

"In your room, we'll blow the smoke out your window"

"Okay lets go" I said eagerly

I grabbed his hand and led him to my room he opened my window and lit the joint. When it was my turn I inhaled all I could letting the smoke fill my lungs. When the joint was finished me and Jason went down stairs to watch T.V at first we were just holding hands then his hand was sliding up my shirt then before I knew it both of our shirts were off and I was facing him on his lap. When I broke away from our kiss, gasping for air I glanced at the clock it read 2:00 pm

"Shit!" I got off of him and grabbed his shirt

"What?"

"Charlie could be home ANY second you gotta get out of here!" I said urgently as I pushed him out the door without his shirt, or mine for that matter

"Bella come on!" he whined

"I owe you i'll make it up I swear!" I handed him his shirt and kissed him on the cheek when I heard a car enter the drive was. I sighed in relief to see it was just Mike. I met him at his can just as he was getting out.

"What are you doing here?" Jason honked his horn as he left

"You forgot your sweater, nice bra"

I sighed "Thanks Mike but you can't stay Charlie will be home soon" I went for a quick kiss but Mike made it into a make out session. Opening my mouth letting his warm breath in mine. His hands wound around my waist and quickly fell to my ass. I broke away

"That was great but you really have to go!"

"Okay see you Monday?" he asked

"Yes and Friday" I said winking.

I went inside and pulled my shirt back. I went to my room and sprayed it with every kind of perfume I had. I didn't, no couldn't have Charlie find out what I was doing. I was startled when I heard a knock on the door. I went down stairs prepared to yell at Mike for not leaving. I opened the door and the breath was knocked out of me, the most beautiful person stoor before me. His hair was stricken back fomr running, his eyes liquid gold.

"Hello Bella" Edward said.


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

I shut the door

"Get a hold of yourself" I muttered

I opened it again to see it was actually Edward standing there, no this can't be.

"Bella I'm so sorry" his voice was just like velvet

"no, no, no, no, NO!" I slammed the door on the last "no"

I ran to my room pulled my blade out of my pocket and collapsed to the fool. The knife in my chest was doing full rotations as it deepened with every breath I took. I started cutting every available spot on my arm. Horizontal, vertical, diagonal anywhere. I got up and ran to my window, slamming it shut and locking it in the process. I continued cutting

"Bella NO!" He roared from outside

"I CAN'T HANDLE THIS!"I screeched as I covered my ears.

I heard my window pop open. The lock didn't stand a chance against him. I quickly shoved my blade in my pocket and blacked out

"I don't want you"

"What you don't want me?"

"No"

I woke up screaming form my nightmare. All of a sudden Carlisle, Esme, Alice, Emmet and Edward were surrounding me.

"Bella you're alright! You're alright!" Alice cooed

My eyes widened as they darted from each face I had tried to hard to forget, each face I resented. Each face that made me hurt so bad.

"No" I whispered

I got up and started running. I had to get out of here, I was yards away from the door I started pulling out my blade when I tripped over something, probably my own 2 feet, my body collided with the floor and my blade skidded 3 feet away from me

"Stop her!" someone yelled

I started running for my blade when Emmet caught me in a tight bear hug from behind, trapping my arms at my side. I kicked rapidly trying to break feel but it was no use, Edward picked up my blade and closed his hand around it when he opened his hand back up it was dust. My body fell limp in defeat as Emmet placed me back on the couch. I started to sob. But when the sobs turned to tears and tears turned to sniffles I started to talk

"Why" I asked as a whimper

"Because we were hurting yourself" Edward answered

"No I wasn't" I answered sternly.

"You were cutting yourself Bella! How is that not hurting yourself?" I could hear the anger in his voice

"You broke your promise" he added harshly

Anger boiled up inside me I broke MY promise? Is he for real? I got off the couch stood up and looked him right in the eye but instead of yelling I just snickered at him

"If you only knew"

"Whats that suppose to mean?"

"It means Edward that cutting myself wouldn't be the only way that I have broken my promise"

Agony twisted in his eyes but I really didn't care

"You broke your promises, I broke mine were square" I said

I was about to leave when Carlisle entered the room

"Bella we still smell some blood my I please take a look at your arm?" it just occurred to me now that Edward's eyes were black

"Sure" I said sounding unimpressed. I looked at Edward "I take it you want to see too?" he nodded and we walked into the kitchen, I hopped on the counter and removed my bandage.

"I see, what happened here?" he pointed to my home made stitches

"Cut a little to deep, thought it needed stitches" I said shrugging as if we were talking about the weather and not my self inflicted damage.

"Well, we need to pull them out, and put real ones in" he got out his bag and began to fill a syringe

"Whats that?"

"Pain meds"

"I don't want it"

"What?" Carlisle and Edward asked in unison

"No medication"

"Bella this will be extremely pain full. I also need to stitch up another one"

"no meds" he deliberated for a moment

"Alright" he sighed

"WHAT?" Edward said

"I can't make her Edward she needs stitches and to take those out"

"Can't make her? The hell I can't! he grabbed the needle and my arm. I raised both me feet and kicked him with all my might. Square in the chest.

"NO!" I shouted

He stumbled backwards. Not form my kick but out of shock. I ripped the stitches out before he could gather himself together. The numbness washed over me and I did my best not to smile. But I think one appeared on my face.

"Bella, doesn't that hurt?" Carlisle asked. Concern laced his voice

"Not at all" I said letting my smile appear on my face

He hesitated, then started stitching up 3 cuts. The numbness felt so good. I could even look at Edward and marvle at his beauty. God I hate him.

"Okay" I started to jump off the counter when Carlisle stopped me

"There is something else I want to talk about"

"Okay?"

"I'm concerned about you're weight loss"

"Oh my Fuck. I'm fine!"I almost shouted

"FINE?" Edward shouted "You look like you lost 30 pounds! And you only weighed 120!"

"SHUT UP!" I screamed covering my ears. I didn't wast to listen to this. When it was silence for a few minutes I uncovered my ears and it was Carlisle who spoke to me

"Bella I need you to stay here for observation to make sure your stitches heal"

"How long?" I groaned

"2 weeks"

"Fine" I snarled. Edward had a smug look on his face.

"I need my stuff though" that's when Alice popped in the room

"I'll get it"

"Kay, I need my back pack" that was full of cigarettes, but I didn't mention that "and clothes. Only take clothes from the bottom 2 draws"

"Got it"

I only wanted those clothes because one day me and M went shopping (or shop lifting" and she said that these were my new clothes. Some might call them slutty, but Jason liked them so whatever.

"We're going to school right?"

"Do you want to"Edward ansered

"Yes" I said bitterly

"Alright then" I could tell he was trying to please me.

"Did you guys call Charlie?"

"No we didn't have a story" Alice said returning with my stuff. "Here Bella just what you wanted"

"Do you want a trophy" I said snatching my stuff "How about you just came back for a visit?"

"A visit?" Edward said sounding offended "We're back, permanently"

"Whoopi!" I said sarcastically. I checked my bag to see if my smokes were in there- yep- and I headed outside calling over my shoulder

"I'll be in the back yard!


	10. Chapter 10

I could feel all of their eyes on me. But I was way past caring. I pulled my smokes and lighter out and took a deep drag, pondering ways I could escape this house of vampires. When suddenly in mid drag my cigarette was ripped from my mouth.

"didn't you know that smoking is gross" said Alice

"didn't you know that I don't care?" I replied back to her I sighed heavily "agreeing to this was a mistake, I'm going home" I walked back inside and grabbed my stuff

"Bella's under the delusion that she is going home" Alice stated

"I told you Bella I need to observe your recovery" Carlisle said in a very calm voice

"Come on Carlisle, its stitches people don't need to be watched for recovery" he sighed

"Well I guess the cats out of the bag"

"What! You're just going to let her leave? To go kill her self?" Alice half screamed

"Hey you guys are the ones that wanted me to stay human, and dying is all about being human, and I here I thought I would of been making you proud" I said with a smirk " besides you guys left for a reason because you didn't want me" my eyes started brimming with tears, it was so hard to state things out loud "so I will just leave and let you all get on with your distractions" I finished my voice cracking the whole time

"Bella thats not true" Alice whispered

But I wasn't listening. I picked my stuff out and left, I cold hand stopped me I turned to see Emmet

"we love you" he said and the knife made a deep lurch in my chest. I was crying and couldn't get a hold of myself. I collapsed to the ground

"no you don't, no you don't, no you don't no you don't" I repeated over and over again. I just wanted to leave, I wasn't to see mikayla I wanted to see Jason but I just couldn't move. Eventually I felt a cold pair of arms lift me and place me in a bed. I wanted to fight, I wanted to scream but I just let them take me and I soon fell asleep.

When I awoke I could hear people talking

"What did you do to her, I went hunting for 5 minutes and I come back and not only is she leaving but she is a complete mess."

"Edward ill I did was tell her we love her" said a sad sounding Emmet. I could almost see Edward running his hands through his hair. I stopped listening after that, I looked around, I was in Edwards room. My head started swimming I thought I might pass out. I didn't know if it was from the lack of food or the fact that I was in Edwards room. I quietly got off the bed, I was hoping to make and escape. When suddenly Edward appeared in front of me with a tray full of food. I needed to be left alone.

"Eat" was all he said

"No"

"Eat"

"No"

"Eat"

"NO!" with that I ran, I ran as fast as I could, I needed to cut, I needed to feel the blade across my wrist I was just at the front door when Alice stopped me.

"I saw what you are going to do" she said. Escaping wasn't going to work so I tried bargaining

"If I eat can I go home" I asked looking at the ground. N o one said anything I took that as a no.

A sudden idea came to me. They may not be humans but they had to follow human laws

"I order you to let me leave" Rosalie started laughing

"You order us? Haha since when do you order us around?"

"then you leave me no choice" I reached into my back and grabbed my phone. It rang 3 times before Charlie picked up

"Bella is everything okay?" he asked

"No" my voice cracking a bit " I am being help against my will"

"WHAT" he bellowed "Who's got you! Where are you? " the phone was suddenly gone from me

"Charlie this is a big misunderstanding" Carlisle's voice said in alarment

"CULLENS? I should of known it was you!"

"Charlie please let me explain, we noticed Bella was engaging in some dangerous habits and we wanted to help her, an intervention if you may" and my secret was out.

"DAD ITS NOT TRUE! HELP ME!" I yelled in my most scared voice

"I'm sending a squad car over to get her. I advise you to let her leave." And the phone clicked shut. All of the cullens were looking at me, not believe what I had just done

I turned and waited outside. But of course Edward joined me.

"I'm sorry " he said hanging his head " I just love you" I needed to cut. Just then Charlie pulled up

"if you loved me you wouldn't of left me" I said and got into the car

It took a lot of convincing on my part to convince Charlie that the Cullens were lying, he asked me to take off the tensor bandage but I told him that the doctor told me to not take it off until he said it was fully healed. He grumbled a bit but eventually believed me. When he fell asleep I called Mikayla and told her what happened

"SHUT UP!" She said after i had finished

"I'm serious! God I need to get high"

"Be there in 15"

True to her word she arrived in fifteen minutes with a baggie full of weed after smoking up she slept over and we went to school together. I stopped at the store and bought a few blades to bring to school with me. And I was lucky I did this.

Just as I was pulling into my parking space so were the Cullens. I felt so pathetic breaking down in front of them like that. I wanted to prove them that I was different. Mikayla went to the smoke hole I stayed by my truck,

"MIKE!" I called over he ran to me at my call.

"Ya Bella?" he said grazing my arm

" I know its only Wednesday but I was just wondering what you were doing tonight?" I said in a sexy sweet voice

"I think I could fit you in tonight" he said, I could only imagine what he was thinking. I saw that the Cullen were watching, probably listening too

"I kiss me" and he did. He went to pull away but I made him give me more.

"see you tonight bella" he said and gave my ass a squeeze. When he walked away I saw that Emmet and Jasper were holding Edward back.

**Epov **

I watched my bella call that scum bag Mike Newton over.

"I now its only Wednesday but I was wondering what you were doing tonight" she said in voice I had never heard her use before . I couldn't hear their conversation anymore, all I could hear was the disgusting thoughts of him. and MY bella, and images of her, I couldn't believe it images of them kissing, of them undressing each other, I tried to block him out but I couldn't, thoughts of him being inside my bella, I guess they were together now, is that why she wanted to leave so badly yesterday? When I looked back up they were kissing it confirmed my thoughts, that they were together. I wanted to kill him, to rip his throat out I lunged at him without even realizing what I was doing. I felt strong arms grab me and hold me back, bella walked over to go give her self cancer with the other smokers, then she was kissing someone else!

Wait what?

She was kissing another guy? So she wasn't with mike? Was she with this man? I was so confused

Did I still have a chance?

**Sorry if this chapter wasn't as good as the other ones, I have had mad writers block and I just started writing today just sorta of guessing things. I will try to update again soon review please!**


	11. Chapter 11

**BPOV **

I couldn't help but giggle when I saw that Edward had to be held back by his brothers. A sound which surely didn't go unnoticed, whatever.

"What was that all about" Ryan asked

"jealous ex boyfriend" Mikayla answered for him I smirked at my own pain he only came back to fix me then leave again. he didn't think I was being human the right way. there was no way he was jealous.

"Today's gonna fucking suck" I said

"I don't know" Jason replied "I think we can have a bit of fun" I didn't really get what he was saying but the bell rang and I headed to class Jason and I had first period together so I hoped on his back and he carried me to class

"Jason how many times do I have to tell you to get bella off of your back" our teacher scolded us I giggled and hopped off his back

"Ya Jason get me off" he giggled too. I suddenly heard a low grumble and turned to see a very angry looking Emmet. I always thought of Emmet as a big teddy bear but now he looked absolutely terrifying and he naturally took the seat that was next to mine. As me and Jason walked to our seats ( his directly in front of mine) he whispered to me

"way awaken the angry bear Bella, good luck with that" he smirked and I half heartedly punched him in the arm and took my seat. Emmet still looking furious. He finally broke the silence

"Bella what are you doing with yourself" I didn't reply

"I know you heard me"

"Edward is really hurting from this" now that ignited the spark

"Edward is hurting?" I whispered harshly "I didn't leave Edward in a forest feeling like the biggest piece of shit unworthy of an love of any kind. I didn't leave Edward to pick up the pieces of his broken heart all alone. I didn't have a single person to confide too or else I would of looked like a complete lunatic. Edward wanted me to be human so I am being one. Humans bleed Emmet and humans can refuse to eat for long periods of times. I guess I can't even be human right is the superior Cullens eyes." I finished my little rant and was shaking with anger

"Bella..."

"Just shut the fuck up Emmet why don't you just skip the whole trying to change me and leave already because I know that's what you're all planning to do anyways" with that I walked out of the class mumbling to the teacher about going to use the bathrooms and locked myself in a stall, I clutched the side of my head pulling my hair and started hyperventilating. I reached into my bag and pulled out my blade and sighed with relief. The bathroom door banged open and I heard an angry but musical voice say my name, which was unmistakeably Alice. I gave myself 3 light cuts hardly even breaking the skin, only a few drops of blood formed before I wrapped my arm back up and flushed to toilet for dramatic effect.

" I know what you were doing"

"stalker" this through her off

"I wasn't... its not... im not a stalker!... its not safe ! "

"k" and I walked past her to my next class which was pretty uneventful until finally lunch came around I went straight to the smoke hole to meet everyone

"how you holding up?" M asked me

"jesus kill me im being followed every where"

"ahahaha I don't envy you right now"

"seriously guys what do I do?"

"Just ignore them" Matt told me

"or make them jealous ahahah" Jason said which everyone decided would be the most fun. the boys were hungry so we went inside to the cafe

I took my seat and put my legs up on Jason and completely ignored the fact that I knew all the Cullens, were watching me. Suddenly mike came over

"Hey bella I can't" he cleared his throat "_hangout_ after school today I got called into work sorry"

"damn okay no problem, Friday still?" he kissed my forehead

"of course" when he was out of ear shot Jason snorted

"what kind of fuck buddy kisses foreheads?" he said

"Jason have I told you how much I hate you lately"

"Nope not lately"

"Well I hate you" when I said that he pinched me. there was a shadow behind and I turned to see none other than Edward himself

"Bella I bought you lunch"

" Bella doesn't eat lunch at school" M replied for me Edward glared at me and placed the tray of food in front of me I looked him straight in his golden eyes willing myself not to get lost in them

"Eating is for pussies" and I pushed it a side he groaned and walked away not before placing a note in lap too quickly for humans to see I pretended I was texting as I read it

_Carlisle would like to look at your arm to ensure you are healing properly come over after school – please do this the easy way. _

I spent the rest of the day cutting myself in the bathroom between classes and contemplating what my options were

Go easily

Get dragged there

I decided that if I went on my own I could leave a lot quicker so I said by to my friends kissed Jason like we weren't in a public place and then drove to the Cullens. What I wasn't expecting was to see Charlie's police cruiser

"the fuck?" I whispered . I walked in and saw everyone sitting in the front room

"what the hell is going on?" Charlie was the first to speak

"Bella I love you, you're my only daughter I love you like nothing else in this world. I can't keep pretending that you are okay and believing your lies anymore. After a long talk with Carlisle today I'm getting you help. You clearly have an eating disorder and I believe them when they say you have been cutting yourself." He teared up a bit " I know you will hate me for doing this to you but I know you'll forgive me in the long run. You have too" he sounded like he was almost pleading with me "ive arranged to have your school work sent here and Carlisle will be taking care of you until you're better"

"Dad how could you do this to me?" I screamed at him a few tears fell from his face

" Bella it was this or going to the psychiatric hospital I thought this idea would be better"

"Dad please don't make me stay here with them!" tears started forming in my eyes "what about my friends?"

"I know who you have been hanging out with Bella and they are bad people"

"Dad the Cullen's are the ones who made me like this! Why do I have to stay with them? I'll do better I promise dad please !"

"I thought that too honey and I Carlisle explained to me that sometimes the people who did the breaking are the only people who can do the fixing. I love you so much sweetie call me everyday"

"I wouldn't count on that" I said through my teeth

" you'll forgive me Bella when you're better I know you will" he then gave me a tight hug wiped one of my tears and kissed me on the cheek " I love you Bella this is why I'm doing this" and he walked out the door my jaw dropped a bit as I stared at the closed door he left me. why does everyone who says they love me leave me? a few tears slid down my face as I continued to stare at the door I heard Carlisle start talking about a treatment plan but I didn't listen I just silently cried at the closed door. I just want to go home. Edwards voice is what brought me back to life so to speak

"everyone in the family will be helping you Bella even me, we will all do this together" I glared at him

"Since Carlisle is my doctor I will only be speaking to him actually. Everyone else can leave me the hell alone until I figure out how to get out of here. Now _ Carlisle_ will you please show me where I will be sleeping and if you lead me to Edwards room or anyone else's for that matter I will kill myself" they all looked at me like I was serious "Jesus Christ it's a figure of speech!"

"Oh" Carlisle began " yes Bella I will lead you to your room, don't worry its a guest bedroom" he showed me where it was and I through my back pack on the floor. All of my possessions were already there. It looked like I was going to be staying here for a long time.

Maybe I actually will kill myself

Just kidding

Sort of

**Wowowow ! sorry I totally forgot about this website ! I decided I should probably update! Seeing as I haven't since 2011! I hope I still have people who are interested in this story! Review so I know if I should keep going! I hope you liked this chapter I know its kind of all over the place im still trying to figure out where I want to go with it ! I love you all REVIEW REVIEW REVIEW **


	12. Chapter 12

**BPOV**

I lay on the bed just staring at the ceiling. This was not happening. This was not happening. There was a soft knock on the door but I didn't bother to respond to it. They opened the door anyways

"Hey Bella" Esme said with a smile. I didn't answer. I did notice that she was carrying a tray of food though. "I brought you some dinner chicken breast with some ceasar salad" HA like I was going to eat that! after eating all that food with Charlie my thighs were about an inch from touching and I was pretty sure I would have a double chin if I ate anymore. Instead of saying this to her I just rolled over to face the other way. what I really needed was my razor.

MY RAZOR! Its in my back pack! They never went through my bag! I was going to have to save it for when I really needed it it would be taken away the minute anyone smelled blood. I guess Esme kept talking during my revelation but I only caught the end of what she was saying

"-or hard way but you're going to have to eat eventually I'll give you 30 mins and then im sending Carlisle up" she left the tray on the bed and walked swiftly out the door. I grinded my teeth. They can't make me do anything. thirty minutes passed quickly and once again there was a knock on the door, but this time Carlisle entered bringing with him his medical bag

"Bella you haven't touched your food" he said sadly

"I don't plan to" all of a sudden his composure changed. He went from sad father figure to stern doctor

"Bella if you do not eat then we are going to force a tube up your nose and down to your stomach and force the nutrients you need into your body"

"that can't be legal" he opened up his bag and pulled out a piece of paper

"This is signed by your father to put you in my care and to do whatever I see fit to help you"

"I'm 18 as an adult only I can sign myself anywhere"

"As your father he put you in my care and I have dubbed you mentally unfit to make the choices concerning your health" I opened my mouth a few times. I had no idea what to say. "so are you going to do this the easy way or the hard way?"

"Nothing in my life has been easy since you left why should I make yours any different?" he sighed his composure failing the concern was evident all over his face.

"Edward please come in here." He walked in right away like he was standing at the door or something.

"YOU are my doctor Carlisle he can not touch me or I'll sue" I said as my rage was building up

"Edward is the only person in this house, aside from me, who has a medical degree and has even worked on many patients. I will be your main care giver but for situations like these I think the extra help will be needed" I grinded my teeth. I knew there was no way I could fight them off with their super human strength but I was going to do the best I could. Edward took a step closer to me. The pain in his eyes were more pronounced then I have ever seen before. Guess he didn't like the mess he caused.

"Stay away from me" I warned.

"Bella" Edward whispered "It's for your own good" and as he said that he ran to me I was pushed into the rocking chair by the window. Not hard enough to hurt a normal sized person but I knew I would be having bruises on my back the next day. Edward held my arms down as Carlisle came to me with the small tube I twisted my head and kicked in every direction.

"Edward get the restraints so you can hold her head steady for me" I screamed at the top of my lungs and thrashed my legs even harder. Before I could even feel that his hands left my wrists the restraints were already on and Edward took hold of my head

"NOOOO GET OFF ME!" I gagged as the tube went up my nose and down my throat I could feel in entering my stomach and soon I saw the bag of what looked like pure fat being hooked up and sucked through the tube. Tears started flowing down my face as I saw it get farther away from the bag and closer to my body. My kicking stopped for only a moment as the panic set in, Edward took this as an opportunity to restrain my legs to the chair as well. I wanted to slice my every spot on my flesh I hated this. I hated them. I cried even harder

"Shh Bella its okay" Edward said has he petted my hair

"Don't touch me!" I said through sobs "get out of here I hate you ! I hate all of you! LEAVE ME ALONE" I continued to cry harder. I felt a tiny prick in my arm which felt heavenly and then everything we black7

**EPOV**

I had sedated her because I couldn't stand her to be in such agony. I turned to Carlisle

"Im sorry I should of got your permission before I sedated her"

"No son you did the right thing lets go talk to the family" we made our way down stairs I felt like my soul was being ripped into tiny shreds and then those shreds were being ripped. She hated me. the love of my existence hated me. we met the family in the dining room. Everyone had heard what Bella said and everyone was effected by it. including Rosalie who evidentally felt awful for leaving Bella and having her end up like this.

"She doesn't mean it" Jasper said quietly

"What?" Alice asked

"Yes there is anger, yes there is some hatred right now, but she loves us. Its underlying she has it hidden but when I search hard enough I can feel it. its going to take a long time and lots of work but maybe we can bring that love to light for her. And make it grow" my dead heart swelled in my chest at this news, I didn't care if took months or even years I would work hard and be patient she was my life, she deserved every second.

**BPOV**

My head was throbbing when I woke up and it took me a second to remember where I was I went to run my hands through my hair but didn't make it an inch from the arm rest I looked down and remembered the restraints. Oh my god no. I was really hoping this was all just a terrible nightmare but when I looked up the bag that was pumping me with fat was pretty much empty I looked at my body. It was digusting it seemed like every part of me was swelling up with fat. I was huge now. I needed to throw up I could feel my stomach fall over my belt line. I needed to vomit. And I needed to cut. I laid back and focused on my throbbing brain. At least it was some sort of pain I tried to let that numb me but it was too weak. Suddenly Alice came in

"I saw that the bag was empty I thought I would come and undo your restraints" I ignored her but waited "Oh well if you won't talk to me then I guess you don't want me to undo them." She went to leave, I tried as hard as I could to ignore her but I really wanted to be un tied"

"ugh please get these off" she turned and smiled

"Sure thing!" she un did my hand and I immediately went to pull the tube from my nose but her cold hand stopped me "You have to wait for Edward or you could damage your nasal track and your larynx" I glared at her. "I'm not letting go until you answer me Bella" she said with a bit of a smile

"Fine I won't pull it out" her face went blank

"Yep you're telling the truth" her smile grew bigger "You know Bella you can avoid talking to everyone else but you're not going to be able to avoid talking to me were best friends" she said matter of factly

"Yeah I hear abandoning a person when they need you the most is kind of a friendship ender though" I said mocking her happy tone. She pursed her lips

"It was for your own good you know! But I knew it was a bad idea! I wanted to stay but Edward made me and everyone go we all wanted to stay with you but he forced us! He wanted to keep you safe"

"Shut the fuck up" I replied she just really irritated me with that lame explanation. Her eyes widened "he didn't force you he told you he wanted to leave and you left with him. don't pretend like you have any loyalty to me! none of you do! He didn't want me anymore so you all packed up and left. Ha protect me? how about tylers van? What about those guys in Seattle? And Victoria? If anything I needed protection here for what was trying to get me. That's not even the worse thing though. The worse thing was that out of all the things that tried to kill me, to hurt me. You guys beat them to it. so don't try to say you left for my own good. That's the most pathetic thing I've heard. So why don't you finish untying me and leave"

Her eyes brimmed with tears that would never fall

"Edward will be up in a moment to take out the tube" she untied me and walked out. True to her word only a moment passed when Edward walked in

"evening Bella" he said cautiously

"Where is Carlisle why isn't he doing this"

"He was called into the hospital for emergency surgery"

"Typical. Drag me to this hell hole and then he bails on me. typical Cullen." I said bitterly Edward approached me and slowly began to move the tub out of my nose. "leave now" I said when it was all the out. He nodded and just as the door was about to shut I stopped him "Wait!"

"What is it?" he replied looking hopeful

"I need to make a phone call"

"May I ask to whom?"

"no you may not" and within a second he ran downstairs grabbed the cordless phone and was standing handing It to me "now you can leave me alone" and he was gone I quickly dialed her number god it had been way too long

"Hello?"

"Mak!"

"Bella? GUYS its Bella come over here!" I could hear her hit the speaker phone button "what the fuck where have you been you haven't answered any of my texts"

"guys you aren't going to believe it! the Cullens have my dad convinced that im crazy and need their doctor dad to monitor me and fix me"

"That is the biggest form of bull shit I've ever heard!" Ryan yelled

"can you at least go to school?" Matt asked

"Nope I can't do anything its pathetic. I just lay in my bed all day"

"Naked?" Jason asked

"oh yes Jason I lay naked. I also touch myself" I said sarcastically

"annnnnd im hard. Bella my dick needs you to break out its been like 4 days since we did it" at that same time I heard a loud breaking noise

"I can't they have crazy security systems. I gotta go though bye love you all ill call you again whenever I can" I hung up and ran downstairs to see what was the matter

When I got down I saw a plazma flat screen tv ripped in half Esme's mahogany table reduced to splinters and a door hanging off the hinges.

"What the fuck did a tornado come through here?"

"Ya tornado Edward" Rosalie said acidly

"You guys were listening to my phone call!" I said outraged!

"HELLO! Vampire hearing we couldn't tune you no matter how hard we tried and its clear Edward tried very hard you little slut"

"Fuck you Rosalie"

"God Bella not everything is about you! Can't you see that? he is hurting too from what you are doing to yourself and now you are just adding salt to the wound. You said you were being human while you made yourself bleed well why don't you try having a bit of humanity too and stop being so damn selfish and hurting him"

I didn't know what to say I was furious I was so angry ME? BEING SELFISH? Edward and I would probably still be together if he hadn't dumped me – ouch that hurt to think – I needed to cut I made a run for it to the door but Emmet was in front of me after two steps

"God damn it Rose why do you have to say things like that you don't think do you!" he yelled at her

I turned to the back door made it three steps when Esme was in front of me

"Bella its all right Rose didn't mean it we know you're going through something hard we all want to help we love you we aren't leaving"

I couldn't even process what she was saying my eyes darted to the kitchen where several drawers were locked which I knew all the knives were kept. If I couldn't cut then I needed to exercise I needed to be skinny Jason would think I was fat next time he saw me naked. So with shakey hands, I turned and slowly walked to the stairs Emmet and Esme followed. I placed my hand on the railing and walked up the 30 steps I then turned around and walked down. This time with a fast pace. I did this four times when I heard Emmet

"Esme she isn't suppose to be exercising she can't lose any more weight" he grabbed my elbow ad I reached the bottom step and I screamed. I screamed bloody murder. I screamed like I was in the worst pain of my life. He quickly let go and I ran to the top of the stairs.

"Either I run these stairs or I scream until my vocal cords bleed" and I ran. I ran up and down those steps. By the time an hour went by I heard Rosalie call Carlisle and leave a message he was still in the OR apparently. Then I saw Alice and Edward burst in on my way down the steps

"I had a vision of Bella running the steps! Why is she exercising!" Edward grabbed my hand and I screamed as if someone shattered my leg bone. Edward recognizing this type of scream instantly let go. I continued to run. By now I was sweating buckets

"Did you call Carlisile?" Edward asked

"Yes he is still in surgery" my brain started to get fuzzy

"should we sedate her?" Esme asked

"I think so we can't let her ruin her vocal cords"

"Edward im so sorry I really didn't think she was this broken I thought she was being dramatic" Rose said

"we will talk later rose I need to get a syringe to sedate her" I reached the top of the stairs my body aching and shutting down

"that won't be necessary" I said as my body gave out. I started to fall and just when my nose was going to collide to the first of many more stairs, my brain gave out and everything went black

**She's not dead just passing out from exhaustion! I have had this chapter ready for a long time but I was waiting for more reviews! The more reviews the faster the update I hope you enjoyed it **

**Ps im very open to ideas so hit me up with suggestions **


	13. Chapter 13

**Hey guys! I totally forgot about this website and all my stories so i figured would update this one for you! **

**EPOV**

I caught Bella just before her nose was going collide into the stairs. Her body was dripping in sweat. I immediately ran her over to the kitchen table and gently laid her down. Carlisle had finally received our message and was on his way home. I inserted an IV into her arm and another bag of nutrients seeing as she had burned all of hers off from running for so long. I then ran cool water of a face cloth and began wiping some of the sweat off her body. I heard Rosalie enter the room and my blood began to boil. So to speak.

"Get out" I growled at her

"Edward" she said with a shaking voice "I am so incredibly sorry. I really thought she was doing all of this for attention. I see now that there is truly something wrong, that she needs help"

"and you had to push her to this point to see this Rose?" I said through my teeth

"Edward please forgive me. I will do everything in my power to help her get better. Anything"

"You can start by getting out of this room" I took a deep breath just as she was about to leave "Rose, whatever Bella asks of you, and I mean whatever, do it"

"Yes of course" she breathed I nodded at her and she took it as a sign to leave. I wanted to forgive my sister but I couldn't at this very moment. Just then Carlisle walked through the door and we explained everything, the phone call I overheard, what I smashed, what Rosalie said and Bella's actions to her words. The whole family had joined in at this point.

Carlisle took a deep breath and placed a hand over his mouth.

"The situation is more desperate than what I anticipated" he finally said she needs to be placed on bed rest and have therapy sessions along with group therapy so she can learn to trust us again. I don't think she will react well to this."

I heard a quiet groan and we all looked over to see Bella's eyes beginning to flutter open

**BPOV**

My bones hurt. My head hurt. My arms hurt. Everything fucking hurts. I rolled over only to realize I was laying on a table. The memories flooded back and if everything wasn't hurting, I would of smiled. The war might not be over but I won this battle. The satisfaction quickly left when my eyes fluttered open and I saw another bag of fat had drained into my stomach. Why did people think it was okay to shove this shit up my nose? Just as I was about to pull it out a cold hand stopped me. I looked up to see Carlisle.

"This is empty so I can take it out now remember its important that you don't pull it out" I nodded as he took it out and then got off the table. I got off of the table but had to grab the edge to steady myself.

"We need to have a talk Bella" he continued

"Yeah i figured that but hold on"

"Where are you going?" Edward asked I took off my shirt and headed into the large mirror that was in the foyer

"And why are you taking your clothes off" Emmet said was confusion and slight amusement

I took a good look at my back and realized I had been right. Dark purple bruises had formed from when Edward had restrained me into the chair. And laying on that table for god knows how long probably didn't help either.

"When did you get those bruises" Esme said with a gasp

"Yesterday when I was forced into a chair" I said looking directly at Edward with big eyes making it clear that he did this to me. I think he went into vampire shock because I had never seen him so still and it seemed he couldn't hear what others were saying, I also stopped listening and got lost looking at myself in the mirror

My brain was starting to conflict with itself

I could see my rib bones coming out of my skin

But my brain said I was fat

My tits were non existent

But my brain said I was fat

My spine was visibly showing

But my brain said i was fat

I was interrupted my Edward rushing in front of me

"I am so sorry I would never want to hurt you Bella please forgive me" I tried to ignore him and keep looking at myself in the mirror but he kept standing in my line of vision "Bella you are so beautiful" then Emmet walked over and put a big comfy sweater on me and asked me to join everyone in the living room.

Everyone all sat down but before anyone could talk a thought formed in my head. I wanted to get high, they wanted me to eat... compromise?

"When I smoke weed all I want to do is eat big macs."

This left them dumbfounded. That was only the half truth though yea i want to eat bigmacs but i usually puke them after. I also really wanna fuck a lot of the time when i am high

"Illegal drugs will not be in your plan of care" Alice finally said

"Cool are you my doctor? No you're just some random"

"I agree with Alice" Carlisle said. Shit fuck balls.

"No food for me then ahahahahah" I said maliciously

"Then you will just stay with the nasal feedings until we reach an agreement. But we want to talk about adding some other things into your plan of care"

"This has been a traumatic day and I won't to go to my room now." I got up and started walking out people started to protest but Edward stepped in saying that I was right and needed some rest I was half way up the stairs when I called down "Hey I was just wondering if we could take out verbal abuse from the plan of care. Maybe then we can avoid situations like this. Ps. Rosalie is a cunt"

When I got to my bed I saw that the phone was still there I quickly called Makayla who i knew would be with the crew they picked up and put me on speaker

"BELLA" They all yelled together

"Hey guys i miss you" I said

"Awhhhhh" Ryan said " I miss you most"

"What are you guys doing?"

"Just about to take bong hits" Jason answered.

"God im so jealous the things i would do for weed right now"

"Explain. In detail what you would do for me bella wink wink" Jason said

"Well Jason... if i was with you... i would punch you SO hard and steal your weed ahaha" i replied and everyone including Jason laughed.

"Glad your sense of humor is still intact their lady"

"Yeah me too, today was rough I really want to go home and just live my life the way I want to live it. If i want to do drugs then cool if I want to sleep around then its whatever. Like why do they get to dictate my life? Why is it their decision how I want to run my own life" i said tearing up a bit, my friends had never seen my cry before so this was kind of a big deal.

"It'll get better Bella" Jason finally said "I wish there was something we could do we all hate hearing that you're miserable there we will figure something out"

"Thanks guys im really tired though im gonna get some sleep, i will call you guys tomorrow if i don't kill myself"

"you better not you are my favourite fuck buddy" Jason said which actually made me laugh

"You're my second favourite" i said teasingly

"Oh please Mike would be your first then? Thats sooooo funny Bella i bet he lasts like three minutes i can go allllllllll night long" This made me laugh again

"Oh yea you're right you are most certainly my first favourite my little sex machine"

"Don't you forget it, sleep tight"

"Bye guys"

I laid down in my bed and slowly drifted off to sleep.


	14. Chapter 14

**WOW hardly any reviews guys :'( I'm hurt! I am gonna update anyways though even when I didn't get very many reviews! **

**BPOV**

I woke up to the sun shining through my window; the alarm clock beside me told me it was almost noon. I stretched and yawned loudly so everyone in the house would know I was finally awake. The talk that they wanted me to have yesterday was inevitable so I guess I might as well get it over with. I swallowed hard and I flinched. Jesus those nasal tubes hurt my throat. I knew I was just going to have to eat something today to avoid, preferably soup to help my throat.

Wait what?

Did I just think it was okay for my fat ass to eat? I should just deal with the pain. But, soup would be nice. Tomato soup. Well if they were going to make me eat anyways I might as well get what I want rather than that bag which is probably full of fat. So it makes sense

Does it?

I shook my head trying to physically get rid of all the confusion that was happening. There was a knock on the door, Edward and Carlisle were up with another bag and nose tube.

"That was a long sleep you had there Bella" Carlisle said

"Yup I like to sleep" like how do you respond to that? I guess I could of just ignored him… "My throat kind of hurts from that tub could I just eat some tomato soup instead? Both of them looked dumbfounded

"Of course Bella" Edward said as his chest swelled with pride. I just sort of looked at him weird

"We have a lot to talk about Bella so why don't you come down stairs while we make you some lunch"

"I'm sooooo tired that I actually can't wait…. Someone should just carry me to the couch" I may exercise a lot but words can't explain how lazy I can be sometimes. Then before I realized it Edward was carrying me downstairs. I knew Edward didn't love me anymore just that he felt sorry for breaking me so badly so I really assumed Carlisle would be the one.

He sat me down on the couch while Esme and Rosalie prepared me my breakfast/lunch or whatever. Clearly they were making more than the soup, they probably had me on a set amount of calories I had to consume each day but still it's better than the nasal tubing.

"Well Bella" Carlisle started "Yesterday was clearly a hard day for you" I scoffed

"I wonder why"

"Bella I am so sorry you have no idea I would never-"

"Save it Rosalie! You would hurt me anyway you can. You're loving seeing me like this so broken and inferior to yourself. So save your breath I don't want to hear it" there was a bit of a silence Rosalie just looked down and eventually Carlisle started up again

"Well, Bella we think that it would be a good idea for you to participate it group therapy with the whole family. We want you to trust us and be part of this family again and the only way we can do that is if we show you what we are feeling, you will still be doing single alone therapy sessions with myself though"

"Should I even bother trying to fight this?" I asked so drained. How could I possibly show my vulnerability to these people again?

"No" Edward answered. Just then Esme brought me out my breakfast/lunch Tomato soup two pieces of bread and a bottle on ensure

"I'm not going to be able to eat all of this" I said looking at her like she was crazy

"Bella you have to." Emmet said sternly his whole family agreeing Carlisle looked like he was trying to decipher something but I kept my poker face on. They wanted me to eat all this? Then I would. Jokes on them though

"Fine" I said and started eating. Everyone was just watching me eat and it made me feel uncomfortable. Edward picked up on this

"Why don't we start our first group therapy session while Bella eats so she can listen"

"Good idea son, I'll start" said Esme, all eyes were averted to Esme now which I was thankful for. I just looked at my food occasionally looking at her so she knew I was listening, even if it was half heartedly

"Bella, words can't describe how sorry I am for leaving you. They Edward had said his beliefs, and I said beliefs not opninos because I know it was what he truly believed, I couldn't help but agree with him. We were a constant threat to you and we loved you too much to be able to cause you that harm." I started eating some bread I was already full but I was forcing it all down.

"Thank you Esme" Carlisle said I just nodded at her. A single tear rolled down my face I wanted to believe her but my brain told me I was fat ugly and that no one could ever love me that is why they left because I am fat ugly and not worth love. But her words sounded so true. I looked down at my place both pieces of bread were gone half of the soup and half of the ensure. I was getting very fully I know by the time I finished the soup it would happen. It will probably put a damper on things but I still wanted to prove my point.

"I think that's good for today's session" I concluded as I continued to eat the soup

"Thank you for listening Bella" I just smiled at her not wanting to open my mouth I took one more spoonful of soup when it happened. I got up and ran to the bathroom. Which luckily wasn't that far or I'm sure someone would have attempted to stop me and that wouldn't of been pretty. I heaved my stomach contents into the toilet. Edward ripped the door open he first seemed a little angry but when he said I wasn't forcing myself to throw up he bent down and rubbed my back. When I was just dry heaving I washed my mouth out and mumbled an apology for him having to see that. He may not love me and I might be pissed at him but vomit was gross no matter what. When I came back into the room all eyes were on me.

"She was sick but not purposely sick" Edward explained

"See what happens when you force a human to eat too much? Just because you want me to eat everything doesn't mean I actually can. Lesson learned then?" I said looking at all of them sure they might not of known but they always make me feel so inferior. It was now my turn.

"Esme that was delicious going down and coming up" I said

**Hope you liked the chapter guyssss remember please review it really makes me happy **** three seconds of your time to make someones day kind of worth it lol **


	15. Chapter 15

**Sorry for the wait, I was hoping for a few more reviews! Oh well here we go….**

The look Esme gave me was utter confusion, I knew she wasn't sure I was being serious and if she should say thank you or not. Eventually she just smiled and said

"I'll go make you some more, but I'll keep in mind how much your stomach has shrunk" and wandered back into the kitchen. My tough façade was slowing fading and I knew this would happen eventually. Without cutting my "Do something bad feeling" was slowly fading. I was becoming the broken girl that I hated and I was trying to do everything in my power to stop it. The urge to cut was getting astronomical.

"I'll just be in my room then" I started to walk away when Alice stepped in front of me, her pixie haircut and musical voice made me flinch.

"Bella we don't think you should be alone all the time. The whole purpose of you being here is to heal you, have you forgive and trust us again"

"And you can't do that if you're isolated in your room 24/7" Edwards velvet voice rang out I slowly but cautiously turned to face him, he was standing a lot closer then he once had been. His scent alone made my heart sear in pain but it was his topaz eyes that reminded me of the knife in my chest. My eyes darted to each one of the Cullen's.

I need to cut.

My numbness was wearing off, rapidly. Starving me was only a small substitute to cutting, nowhere near as effective though. And now they were forcing the nutrients into my body so that was no longer an option now either.

My panic must have been registered because they all started to look at me weird

"Bells are you okay?" Emmet asked the use of my nickname made the knife twist before I realized it Rosalie was beside me, she gently placed her hand on my shoulder

"Bella no one is going to hurt you" she said slowly. I jerked away instantly her hand feeling like fire on my shoulder. I started rubbing the side of head with both of my hands. What am I going to do? Everything was starting to flood back, all the stupid things I had done because I felt numb and wanted to keep feeling numb

Stealing from the corner store

Almost fighting Lauren and Jessica in the cafe

Losing my virginity to Mike Newton

Doing cannabis

Sleeping with Jason

Doing cocaine

Cutting myself

Cutting myself

Cutting myself

That's all I wanted to do now. I couldn't stand feeling all these things again my heart shattering in my chest. My brain felt like it was melting.

I was back in the forest by my house now

"You don't want me anymore?" I said as my world was shattering to pieces. No. his mouth said his eyes as hard as stone. Everyone is gone now Bella.

"Everyone? Alice too?" Everyone. My knees started to get weak and soon I was on the ground. My knees must have hit rocks because the ground was much harder than it should have been.

"Bella come on you are okay. Snap out of it" Someone was bringing me back to reality I followed that voice and looked up to find Edward himself and Carlisle crouched in front of me. My knees aching from slamming into the wooden floor my hands were covering my ears, my hair a mess from shaking my head so violently at what I was re living. As I looked up a single tear fell from my eye. I was whisked off of the ground and set down in a chair. I looked around to find myself in Carlisle's study he sat opposite me behind his desk. Whoever carried me must have exited because I heard the door shut.

"Talk to me Bella, let me help you" Carlisle said to me his eyes burning with compassion.

**EDWARD POV**

I watched Alice step in front of Bella

"Bella we don't think you should be alone all the time. The whole purpose of you being here is to heal you, have you forgive and trust us again"

"And you can't do that if you're isolated in your room 24/7" I added. I noticed Bella visibly flinch when I Alice spoke. But when she turned to look at me, like prey turning to look at the new threat something changed.

She gasped out loud when my eyes finally met hers. But not a gasp like she use to when she looked at me. This was like someone experiencing the first blow of a fight. She gasped in pain. I wasn't the only one to notice this. A quick survey of the room showed that everyone saw that the atmosphere had changed. Something was happening to Bella

"Bells are you okay?" Emmet asked her cautiously. Her breathing started to get heavier and more frequent. Rosalie slowly walked over to her and placed a hand on her shoulder

"Bella no one is going to hurt you" She jerked her shoulder away like Rosalie's hand was made of fire.

Bella's hands clamped around her ears and her eyes shut tight.

"You don't want me anymore?" she said quietly. I jerked my head towards Carlisle

"Everyone? Alice too?" Alice let out a gasp in pain. It hurt her a lot to leave Bella and now she saw how hurt Bella was too. I left out that she asked about Alice specifically to spare her feelings and so she wouldn't change her mind. As I was going over this in my head Bella fell to the floor

"Bella come on you're okay snap out of it" I repeated about 15 times. Finally she looked up at me and a single tear fell down her cheek

_Edward we need to get her talking to figure out why this happened _Carlisle thought. I nodded and picked her up and carried her to Carlisle's study and exited swiftly.

I heard Carlisle say something to her but everyone's thoughts, all so worried about what had happened made it difficult for me to focus on what he said.

"Edward" Esme said softly has she embraced me in a mother like hug "I'm so sorry"

"Well that was a complete 180" Emmet said with an awkward laugh. Everyone just looked at him in astonishment "Okay bad timing I know but its gotta mean something?"

"I hope so Em" I said with a sigh

"She mentioned me." Alice said I looked up expecting a glare but she wasn't. her mouth hung open and she just stared at the ground. I knew if she was able to, tears would be falling steadily

"I didn't tell you because I knew it would hurt you Alice"

"All this time I didn't think she was capable of feeling as much emotion as us. But she did. And we hurt her so badly." Then she ran at vampire speed out the door, Jasper soon ran after her

What were we going to do?


	16. Chapter 16

**Found some extra time for an update **

**Bella POV**

"Bella please talk to me" Esme asked me again.

It had been three days since my little incident. First Carlisle had tried, then Edward, now Esme.

Even if I wanted to talk to him, I couldn't. re living everything I went through was too painful without my razor. Even know as everything was wearing off completely I had lost my voice. The amount of pain I was in was unbearable. I was afraid if I opened my mouth I wouldn't be able to stop screaming.

So I haven't spoken a word a three days.

I knew that because my numbness had run out that the nightmares would be back tonight. That alone could scare anyone in silence but it was this on going pain that I was in that made me quiet.

I seemed to have a knife stabbed straight through my heart. And with every look at all of their beautiful faces it dug in a little deeper to twisted to a side. I had resorted to actually holding my sides in fear that I might actually fall apart.

Which then just made me angry. I was okay with being numb before. Drugs, sleeping around, starving myself doing what I wanted when I wanted everything I did made me numb, and at times I actually had fun. My smile wasn't forced. And now I was back where I started. Poor pathetic Bella. I walked away from Esme without a word and into the bathroom.

I looked at myself in the mirror. I had for sure gained a few pounds which I hated. But my eyes had deep purple bruises under them, my eyes also looked like I would start crying my heart out at any minute. I looked down at my forearms which were still covered in bandages. I was a mess and I hated it. I sighed heavily which just made my chest ache and walked back to the living room. I sat on the couch and stared out the window. Longing to be able to feel numb again. I watched the wind blow the trees to the left and could hear a few birds chirping. It was the knife in my chest that brought me out of my daze, I groaned a little. If it hurt this bad it could only mean one time. Edward was speaking to me.

"Bella? I said I have good news" I turned my head to look at him, holding onto myself a bit tighter. When he saw he had my attention he spoke again "I got a call from Jasper, him and Alice are on their way home" I gave a slight nod and turned back to the window. At vampire speed he was sitting beside me and pulled my attention back to him

"Bella won't you please speak to me? Tell me how I can make you better" I could see the pain in his face but there was nothing I could do about it. If I could fix myself I would then he could go back to his distractions and him and his family could stop worrying about me. I focused my attention back on the window. A few moments later Esme brought me my tray of food. Funny I didn't even realize she had left. I ate without question. I didn't have the will to put up a fight.

An hour later I saw two figures emerging from the treelines. It must have been Alice and Jasper. As their features became clearer it causes me to feel more pain. Whatever the reason Alice had left, probably got tired to my shit, she was happy now. They were hand in hand laughing together. It wasn't until they crossed the threshold that it happened.

Jasper dropped her hand and started pulling his hair and fell to his knees. The entire Cullen family rushing to his aid.

"Jasper what's wrong!" Alice screamed. Emmet tried to peel his hands away from his scalp with no luck. His teeth were clenched and salvia was leaking from his mouth. I knew instantly what was wrong with him. I got up from my spot on the couch and started walking over to him. Edward arms reached around my waist and pulled me behind him.

The electricity I felt from his touch made everything worse. Jasper fell onto his side and let out a loud wail as the knife in my chest twisted. Distracted my Jaspers sudden outburst, I walked around the entire family and placed my hand on his cheek to get his attention. The coldness of his skin made my heart ache so it helped him realize I was there. Then I spoke my first word in three days

"Run"

With that he smashed through the back door glass falling all around me as he ran back into the treeline. Alice right on his trail. Everyone else was looking at me as if I was something to be afraid of. I thought they figured out I was the cause of his pain but it was what Edward said to me that made me know otherwise

"Bella. Don't move I will carry you over the glass"

Before I could even attempt to walk and slice my feet open I was whisked off my feet and placed on the couch Edward sat beside me.

"Should we call Alice and see what happened?" Rosalie asked

"No she will call us when he stops running" Carlisle answered

"What could have put him in that much pain?" Emmet questioned

I blocked their speculations and focused on the window. They would know eventually. I felt something cold on my feet.

Edward was absent mindedly massaging my feet, something he always use to do.

My heart fluttered a little bit something that those vampire ears noticed Edwards eyes met mine first out of fear, then when he knew I was alright, he smiled slightly

"I knew you felt it too" he said

My chest still ached, but no more than usual. His smile and what he said didn't cause me any pain.

Which is good right?

Actually it just scared me to death.

So I just kept quiet as the conversation went back to Jasper.

Everyone was speculating when I felt someone's eyes on me. I scanned to room and saw that it was Emmet. He wasn't glaring was just wide eyed then he said my name.

"What about her?" Rosalie asked

"She did it" Edward jumped to his feet.

"She helped him! She wasn't hurting him she was across the room on the couch" he growled

"No, no think Edward, what's Jaspers gift? Peoples emotions! He felt her pain…." All eyes fell to me which made me feel uncomfortable.

"I need a better understanding. What have I done?" Edward yelled desperately as he followed Jasper. My heart ached a little as he left.

I hurt when he was there and I hurt when he was gone what was wrong with me?

Rosalie stayed rooted her spot, Emmet crossed over to me and sat beside me.

"I'm so sorry for what we did to you, Just know how much we love you"

I just looked out the window

I hate when people lie.

But I hate it more when I'm not sure to believe it.

**Hope you like the chapter! Yes this is the start of Bellas healing process but I am thinking of a dramatic relapse! Muahaha **

**Tell me what you think!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Sitting at a bus station for two hours… you're welcome ahaha**

**Bella POV**

I was laying in my bed refusing to sleep. Tonight was the night and I knew it. The nightmares would be making an appearance and after what happened this afternoon I wasn't going to reveal anymore on how damaged I was.

I felt bad for Jasper. I had kicked him out of his own home. Although it was a bit of a relief. Alice hadn't returned yet either and two less faces to cause me more pain was okay by me. I knew she would eventually return and so would Edward.

And the looks of sympathy would infuriate me. When Edward finally returned he refused to leave my side. Asking me if I needed or wanted anything. I still wouldn't respond though, I didn't want to end up screaming on the floor like Jasper. But the looks of sympathy everyone gave me mad me so angry. I didn't want their sympathy I wanted to be left alone. I wanted to feel numb again.

In all honesty I wanted to go back in time and have Edward change his mind and have him not leave. Then I wouldn't need to feel numb and he wouldn't feel guilty. But he didn't love me and how cruel would it be to force someone to stay with you when they didn't want to. How pathetic really.

But then I thought of what Emmet said, how they all loved me so much.

My thoughts all came to this eventually. Were they telling the truth and did love me. Or did they just feel bad about what they had done to me. Lets be honest if they had never left I would have never done any of the things that had become apart of my routine. Hell it never would have crossed my mind.

Even if the family did love me Edward clearly didn't. You don't leave the people you love that's for damn sure. You didn't see me leaving him now did you?

I glanced over at the clock, 5:00 am only one more hour and I could fake waking up. I knew someone would catch on eventually, or I would actually fall asleep but I would keep going for as long as I could. I rolled over onto my side and pulled the comforter around me tighter. I was so cold all the time. At my latest weigh in I had reached 97 lbs. i had gained a full 12 lbs since being here for 9 days. At this rate I would be fat in no time. As much as I hated my appearance I hated always being cold all the time. And I hated that nasal tubing even more. I would be again weighed this morning after I emptied my bladder before I could do anything else.

I decided that five thirty was good enough and started about my morning routine making a decent amount of noise so everyone would know I was awake. It wasn't long after I got out of the bathroom that was connected to my room that I heard a knock on my door. Right on cue

"Good morning Bella, you're up awfully early"

"mhmm" I mumbled to him

"Let's go to my office" he said and I made my way over to his office where the scale was. I stepped on and closed my eyes I heard Carlisle write it down. Finally I glanced down at the scale which was a bad idea. 101 lbs. I wanted to cry. I wanted to yell and scream. I was fat and ugly and they were ruining my life. All I ever wanted was to be one of the beautiful people. One of them. And now I was getting fatter and fatter every week. I sighed a heavy sigh but didn't say a word.

I was tired, sad, broken and now fat. I was walking out of the office when Carlisle stopped me

"Bella please speak to me. Tell me what you're thinking. We all want to help you feel better" I just stared at him blankly. I was defeated. I wanted to cut I wanted to feel numb. I wanted to be badass Bella again. I took a look at my forearms which were in bandages. I wonder who those were for me or so they wouldn't feel guilty.

"Alright Bella go do your morning routine we will have group therapy when you're done. But you need to start communicating soon Bella." He said sternly.

I went back to my room and had a hot shower, brushed my teeth and put on some sweats. I would never fit into jeans even if I wanted to. I made my way downstairs where everyone was sitting. I guess Alice had made it home while I was "sleeping" but Jasper wasn't back with her.

"Hello Bella" she said timidly I nodded back at her

"still?" she said turning her head to Edward

"Hasn't said anything since she told Jasper to run" he responded to her. She sighed heavily

"Okay Bella, I know you are hurt, beyond hurt actually from us leaving you. But Edward explained it was for the best. And with his reasoning I couldn't help but go along with it. But Bella please know I fought for you. I fought for me and you and this family. Edward may have decided to leave but we just didn't say oh okay lets get packing! No. I yelled and screamed for us to stay. I didn't want to leave you. None of us did."

I glanced over at Rosalie

"Even Rose Bella, okay well she was the easiest to convince" I heard a low growl come from Rose "It's true! But we fought for you Bella. In the end Edward won, we left but he said it was for the best. He said you were human that your emotions aren't as strong as ours so you would be hurt for a while but then you would move on."

I clenched my teeth together I would not cry.

"But after speaking with Jasper last night, and I think I can speak to everyone when they saw how much pain he was in that you can feel just as much as us. I don't remember my human life, so when Edward said that and Carlisle agreed I just took their work for it. And I bet that they're right. Normal humans can't feel as much as you feel. You are angry and hurt just as much as we would be. But when you first got here Jasper detected something under neither all of the hurt and anger. It was love. And I know that you love me love the family and love Edward as much as we love you."

I clenched my teeth even harder. It was funny everyone is saying that Edwards reasoning was sound. That they couldn't argue with it. That he didn't love me anymore so they all decided to leave. How could they say that love me and didn't want to leave? If Edward stopped loving me then obviously they could stop too.

Oh god I needed my razor. I absently mindedly started picking at my skin

"Bella don't do that" Edward said as be stopped my hand.

I groaned.

I didn't know what to do with this information.

"Hey Bells how about some girl time? I can't watch you stare out that window anymore, Alice you can join in too?" Rosalie said. I just stared out the window when suddenly Alice picked up and brought me to her room

"Alice!" Edward yelled! You can't just steal Bella like that ask her permission to touch her!"

"Okaaaaaaaaay" she said as she rolled her eyes and set me down. "Sorry Bella I just got so excited!"

"Well I was thinking we could do each other's nails" Rosalie said

"Awesome idea Rose!" Alice squealed

They sat me down in the chair in Alice's room and brought a box full of nail polish to me and let me pick my own color I figured since it was almost spring, I would go with green.

Alice started working on her own nails while Rosalie started working on mine she clipped them very short, filed, buffed and then started painting

"You know Bella what I said to you a while back that sort of cased the whole stairs thing…." She trailed off nervously which was very uncharacteristic of her "I just wanted to say how sorry I am. I thought you were just being stubborn you know? Wanting him to feel even worse than he already does but after that and then with what happened with Jasper I couldn't have been more wrong and I am so sorry"

My jaw fell. I was so surprised I have never heard of Rosalie saying sorry to anyone. I nodded peacefully at her and smiled a weak smile. As she continued painting my nails.

"What do you think Bella?" Alice said waving her nails in front of me she had chosen a vibrant pink I gave her a thumbs up and a bit of a shrug

"Nice on me not for you?" she confirmed I nodded in response

"See Bella we're best friends I get what you're saying even when you don't say anything" she said with a bit of a laugh

I didn't feel so miserable for once.

But all good things come to an end right?

**I hope I don't lose followers because Bella isn't so bad ass anymore and is starting to heal again I do know that there will be a relapse though so we will get to see her make a return. And cutting is still a huge deal so there will be some more craziness to come!**


	18. Chapter 18

**Bella POV**

I had been awake for 48 hours straight now. I looked at the alarm clock beside me it was 5 am and I was fighting my hardest fight against sleep. Everything was making me want to drift off. The blankets were so warm, pillows were so soft and this bed was so comfy. My eyes were starting to become heavier and heavier. Suddenly, I whipped the blankets off hoped out of and starting doing jumping jacks. Anything to keep me awake before I got to my third one my door flew open.

"Bella! Stop!" Edward said before restraining me "You're not supposed to exercise you know this Bella"

Shit. They thought I was trying to lose weight. I guess that could just be an added perk but for someone I still felt really guilty.

"Come on lets go do your weigh in if you're already up" he said. He was upset I could tell but he wasn't going to say anything to me. Everyone tried to be as positive as possible around me they left all the bad stuff to Carlisle

I weighed myself without looking at the number and was leaving to go take a shower when Carlisle stopped me

"Before you go Bella can you take a seat" I nodded and went to chair by his desk "Why did Edward tell me that were doing jumping jacks this morning" I just stared back at him I still wasn't talking to anyone

"Bella you know that you are not allowed to exercise like that. Bella this would be so much easier for you to understand if you could tell me what you're feeling. You wouldn't feel the need to lose weight and you would see that you actually look much healthier with the weight you have put on. And I have no idea what you are thinking about when it comes to cutting."

Ugh. Now he had done it. Put the thought of cutting into my brain. I closed my eyes to think about what it looked like when I sliced my arm open how good it felt to not feel any pain.

"Bella?" Carlisle asked looking at me with concern.

"were you fantasying about cutting" I nodded yes

He continued on with some more yes and no questions. I surprisingly answered them all with honesty.

"Well Bella until you decide to speak I guess these yes or no questions that you can nod too will be how I get insight into your mind. Now I have noticed how early you are getting up, compared to when you first got here and were sleeping until the afternoon, I also noticed the heavy bags under your eyes so I am going to start giving you light doses off melatonin to help you sleep at night"

I grabbed his prescription pad and pen and wrote a big NO! and underlined it 3 times. He was surprised at my new way of communicating but soon put on his doctor poker face.

"This is for the best Bella it will help you" I pointed at the words again. "Well I'll see if you can start sleeping better In the next few days then"

I nodded at him and started my way downstairs for breakfast which if I was honest with myself smelt pretty great. I would have to start gradually "sleeping" later and later until I would be so tired I wouldn't be able to dream.

"Hello Bella" Esme greeted as I sat down at the breakfast table "It'll be ready in a few minutes" I smiled at her in response as Edward joined me at the table. Things with Edward were getting… weird I guess. He spent all his time with me, talking to me or trying to get me to talk. Or doing activities with me. It made me feel…. I didn't know. Conflicted I suppose. I enjoyed having him around but I was still convinced that they all would leave me again.

I knew Esme knew about the jumping jacks but she wasn't going to say anything. But I did notice Esme and Edward having a silent conversation. Which irritated me more that it probably should have. Then without missing a beat Alice and the rest of the family came out from where ever they were.

"Good morning everyone" Alice said cheerily. We had a great day the other day why was this wishful greeting adding to my irritation.

"Edward I tuned up your car last night" Rose said to him. I sneaked a peak over at him to see him give a short shake of his head. Another silent conversation

I couldn't do anything without everyone talking about it. Didn't they have time to get it out of their system when I was doing my weigh in? or at least when I'm not around. Bella the stupid human we can have conversations about her while she's in the room and she won't even noticed. Esme put my breakfast in front of me

"Enjoy" she said with another bright smile. God everyone here is so damn happy all the time. I gave her a stiff smile and stabbed my fork into my scrambled eggs.

"Everything all right" Edward asked me at a particularly heavy stab I gave him a quick nod but didn't make eye contact I had two pieces of bacon to eat as well ugh I hated bacon I knew how fattening it was. So I just pushed the plate away

"Bella you have to finish everything" Emmet said which I ignored. I grabbed my glass of orange juice and emptied it into the sink "Bella that juice counts as part of your meal!" I just filled it with water and sat back down.

"Bella" Rose said cautiously "Is everything alright" I took a sip from water so I wouldn't have to answer. God I knew I had no reason to be mad but I was. Everything was just so annoying. Why do they ALL get to tell me what to eat? What to do? Cause I'm broken? Cause im not weirdly happy all the time. whatever.

"Should we get Carlisle" Alice asked someone. Great talking about me again and why bother telling him? He is upstairs. With his stupid vampire hearing he probably knows. Edward walked across the table so that he was sitting directly in front me.

"Bella" I just started playing with the bandages on my wrists "Bella look at me" I sighed but complied I knew he wouldn't give up. "Bella I want you to finish your breakfast please" when I didn't answer he continued "Bella as one of your primary care givers I am informing you that if you do not finish eating the feeding tube will have to be placed in." Edward said sternly. I clenched my fists on the table and finally started eating again. I picked the bacon into tiny little pieces then ate them. Esme took my glass of water and filled it up with juice again.

I tore my piece of toast into small bits as well then rolled it into little balls and ate them. Then I downed all the juice. Before slamming it back onto the table.

"That's one way to eat" Emmet said trying lighten the mood. I just raised my eyebrow at him. Why was EVERYONE here? Why do they all have to watch me eat?

I got up from the table and was walking to the couch when, naturally, I tripped and fell to the floor. A sharp pain shooting in my hand

"Bella" Edward said cautiously as I stood up. I looked at everyone who all looked tense. I gave them a quizzical look and looked at my hand

A piece of glass from when Jasper broke through the window was stuck in my hand. Someone must have missed it

"Bella come here I will take that out for you" Edward said still very cautiously

I grabbed the piece of glass and dragged it along my hand only about three inches before Edwards lunged, his arms forming a cage around me and suddenly I was put on my feet again and the glass was gone

I looked at my hand again I was still bleeding I could feel numbness washing over me I sighed a shaky euphotic sigh.

"Bella are you alright?" Edward spoke again I looked at the whole family, Carlisle was here now too. They all looked concerned

"Better than alright" I whispered

**Hope you guys liked the chapter, if you hadn't noticed I have ideas but im having trouble getting them down ahaha so if you have any questions feel free to PM me ! **

**This isn't the relapse I was talking about just some added drama ! **


	19. Chapter 19

**Procrastinating studying ahaha **

**BPOV**

The blood was still trickling down my arm everyone was still staring at my waiting for something to happen. The numbness was such a magnificent feeling. I sighed another shaky sigh and through my head back. After not being able to cut for almost three weeks even this small cut through me over the top.

My legs gave out but instead of falling onto my ass someone, at vampire speed, placed a chair underneath me. I opened my eyes and saw that Edward was kneeling in front of me

"Bella are you sure you are alright?" he asked concern and fear lacing his voice.

"Mhmm" I didn't want to talk I just wanted to enjoy this numbness my hand was peeled from me as Edward assed the damage

"It won't need stitches but I'll put some gauze over top of it. Can someone watch her?"

"We all will Edward" Alice answered.

"I think we are going to go for a little bit actually" Rosalie said as her and Emmet ran out of the room

"I guess it's good Jasper isn't here" Alice said trying to start conversation with me. I just slouched in the chair and closed my eyes. The knife was gone and that was such a relief I just wanted to focus on that

"Bella we all heard you talk again" Alice said clearly not understanding

"I know I CAN talk now, but I just want to enjoy this so I don't WANT to talk"

"Bella you shouldn't enjoy this!" she said sternly "It's bad for…"

"Alice stop talking" Edward said interrupting her. His brow was tightly furrowed

"What? Edward you can't possibly disagree?"

"I said stop. Right now." He took my hand and cleaned the cut out with some alcohol which just send another rush through me. He then placed the gauze over top of the cut and held it on with some medical tape.

"Carlisle is on his way home now" Funny I thought he was upstairs this whole time. I guess it makes sense why he didn't make an appearance during this whole thing

"Good maybe he will talk some sense into you Edward" Alice huffed and then stormed to the living

Edward took another chair and sat beside me he didn't say anything and didn't make me talk so I just closed my eyes and enjoyed every moment. I heard the door open and close and in 1 second Carlisle was already in the kitchen

"Edward what happened" so he went and told Carlisle everything that happened again. I didn't even get mad that they were talking about me in front of me again I was to numb to care about anything.

"Bella up to my office" Carlisle said. Why was everyone so edgy? Didn't they know that this was a happy moment? When I didn't reply I picked up and carried there.

I was surprised to see that it was Edward to carry me up. Didn't he give Alice shit for touching me without permission?

He set me down in the chair opposite of Carlisle and left the room swiftly.

"Edward is instructing Alice and Esme to leave the house and go hunting. He is also calling Rosalie to let her and Emmet know not to come back until I give the ok." The numbness wasn't so overwhelming anymore so I responded

"Okay?" I didn't get what this meant

"I see you are talking again, what made you decide to start" he asked pulling out a pad of paper and a pen

"I don't know" I didn't really feel comfortable talking about this now that I could

"Bella everyone is gone. What you say to me is strictly confidential, even though Edward is on your team of care I will not inform him or anyone else in the family of anything you say"

"Well…. I don't know it's complicated"

"Explain as best as you can then. Talking will start the healing process" I deliberated this for a minute. I wanted to get better but still

"It feels like a knife" I finally said even that made me feel a tiny bit better. Or maybe it was another wave from the cut

"what does?"

"My chest. It feels like a knife is stabbed through my heart. And every time I look at you guys, every slight reminder of what use to be it twists and deepens."

"And the cutting, does that make it go away"

"I go numb from cutting. I can't feel anything"

"And is that why you're talking now?"

"Yea. When I'm not numb it feels like if I open my mouth I'll start to scream in pain because it hurts so badly."

"Did this happen before? When we…." He couldn't even say that they left me.

"yea I didn't talk for about a month after you all abandoned me"

"Do you still think we are going to leave?"

"I know it" I said firmly

"Well, you're wrong" he said just as firmly he took a deep breath and then changed the conversation

"Your old friends, what did they convince you to do while we were away?"

"They didn't convince me to do anything. I either suggested it or agreed with it right away. See sometimes when I cut or when I hadn't ate for a very long time I would get this urge" Why was I spilling my guts? Why was I telling him everything? It was like I had word vomit and couldn't stop

"What kind of urge"

"To do something bad. So I agreed or would suggest things. Things I know would infuriate Edward if he EVER found out.

"What kind of things?"

"Like drugs and sleeping…. Mainly drugs." I was not talking about my sex life.

"What happened when you did these things?"

"It helped me feel more numb. Or even just the satisfaction that I wasn't keeping my promise to him. But mainly that it made me feel more numb"

"This morning Bella I hear you were very upset. What happened?"

"I'm clearly tired" I said pointing to the deep purple bruises under my eyes "So I'm more irritable. But all of you think you're so subtle with your silent conversations. When you talk at a vampire frequency so that I can't hear it or when Edward Is just reading your thoughts. I know you're doing it. And its plain rude. I mean doesn't anyone have manners? Everyone is talking about me in front of me. And then whenever I start eating EVERYONE comes and watches. It makes me so uncomfortable. I'm already self-conscious about my body and now everyone watches me eat. And then everyone thinks they're part of my health team or whatever so they all try to tell me that I have to eat too. Imagine having 7 people try to boss you around? It's so maddening!" I finished with a big huff. I got mad just talking about it.

I got mad.

The numbness was starting to decrease.

"Well Bella I will be telling the family about that. Only so we can stop doing that"

"That sounds good to me" I replied

"I think that is good for today. You were very honest and I appreciate that. You will appreciate it too it is helping you get better. I'm going to try and find a way to help you be able to talk again." He said with a smile

"Thanks"

He grabbed the phone and called everyone telling them it was okay to come home now.

Within ten minutes everyone was piling through the door. By now it was lunch time so Esme threw a sandwich together for me as I sat down to eat

"Thank you" I mumbled to her a bit embarrassed at how rude I had been in the morning.

Like clock work everyone stayed in the kitchen was not so subtly watched me eat. I looked at Carlisle who nodded then got everyone's attention

"It has come to my attention that whenever Bella is eating her meals the whole family crowds around her and watchers her. This makes humans, especially humans with an eating disorder VERY uncomfortable. Also the silent conversations we all, including myself, have in front of Bella needs to stop. It is rude and she notices them"

Everyone said their apologies to me and that they hadn't realized that it had made me uncomfortable.

I smiled and said it was alright

"Well since Bella is talking today I think it will be her turn to speak for the group therapy session" Carlisle said with a smile

"She may not say as much as we have but that is alright" he continued

Shit.


	20. Chapter 20

**BPOV**

I was sitting in the love seat alone with my legs crossed. All eyes were on me. I was trying to organize my thoughts and start things of properly. I sighed heavily and decided the beginning was the best place.

"Okay I guess everyone wants to know what happened to me and the sweet girl you left behind. How I started cutting and starving myself and doing… bad… things I guess"

Everyone nodded their head

"Well let's just skip forward past that catatonic state when I was pretty much an empty shell. Jasper you felt my pain, it was like that all the time but I hadn't learned how to live with it. Like you I just wanted to collapse to the floor and cry. I was in a school assembly counting things to avoid thinking about other things when they showed a video on how teenagers escape their pain. It was all to raise awareness for mental health I suppose but it just gave me an idea" I took a deep breath and looked at everyone's face

All the girls looked sad, I had just started my story and they already looked like they would be crying.

Jasper looked distraught just thinking about the pain I was in all the time. He could stand this dull aching I was having as the cut was losing effect

Emmet looked upset and angry, Carlisle kept a collected facial expression his years of being a doctor helping. I sneaked a glance at Edward then

He was pinching the bridge of his nose his eyes shut tight. I continued on.

"Whenever I would cut I would get a rush, an urge to do something bad. I would steal and smoke cigarettes, when I met my new friends I started doing drugs too. Cutting would take the pain away and give me the nerve to do something crazy and bad, drugs smoking and starving myself would keep the pain at bay if my razor wasn't around.

I wasn't happy really but I was able to do more than just survive. I am grateful for how much Mak ryan Jason and Matt did for me"

"Grateful?" Emmet asking a mix of confusion and anger in his voice. That irritated me he didn't get to judge me for what I had been through

"Yes Emmet! I was and still am grateful! I may have not made the best decisions while I was with them but I was doing more than just surviving! I would actually smile sometimes with them! My laugh came around again and I felt like I belonged again! They never knew about my cutting or starving myself and its not like they shoved the coke up my nose! They offered I said yes! It was my decision!"

Carlisle then came in

"Bella we were under the impression you had only done cannabis, what other drugs have you done?"

"It doesn't matter I'm clearly not doing it now under everyone here's strict watch!"

"Answer the question Bella." Edward said harshly. I looked over at him as he took his head out of his hand he was beyond angry. And all that did was piss me off even more. Maybe an hour ago I would have been afraid but this cut on my hand gave the urge I needed

"Fuck yourself Edward. I did whatever I pleased to do and there is nothing you can do about it now. If I starved myself for days, cut myself until I needed to give myself stitches or shoved whatever drug I wanted to up my nose that's none of your damn business. Fuck this group therapy" I got up and started walking to my room.

I guess they understood that I needed some space and no one came barging in demanding I tell them how I feel or that I should listen to an explanation.

I really just wanted to go home I was getting so mad. I paced my room breathing heavily. The pain in my chest was starting to get more and more noticeable which irritated me even more. I through myself onto my bed only to get back up when I realized I had too much energy to sit still.

I kicked the wall, hard, leaving a small mark on it and a throbbing in my foot.

"Arrogant bastard. Trying to tell me how to live my life. Demanding that I tell him what I have done when he left me."

"YOU. LEFT. ME!" I yelled at the door "I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT! YOU DON'T GIVE A SHIT AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! GO BACK TO YOUR WHORES! I MEAN 'DISTRACTIONS'"

I was acting like a fool and I knew it but I couldn't control it. All the anger I had at him for leaving was coming out now. I paced the room more and through my pillows and blankets from my bed at the door just wanting to get some energy out.

"ALL OF YOU LEFT ME. SO LEAVE ME ALONE! I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT!"

I walked into the bathroom that was connected to my bedroom and slammed the door as hard as I could. I locked that door behind me. I was going to go sink into the corner and cry when my reflection caught my attention.

My eyes were sunken in, but there was puffiness in them. The bags under my eyes were darker than they have ever been before. My cheek bones were sharp and my once cute chubby cheeks were sunken in as well. My collar bones poked out at odd angles and my hair had lost its shine and was completely dead.

Fuck the mirror

I brought my fist back and punched the mirror as hard as I could. A few pieces shattered to the ground around me so I started ripping out all the other pieces of the glass so I wouldn't have to look at myself.

That's when there was a pop of the lock breaking.

Shit I was in trouble.

**DON'T HATE ME! **

**I know it was a short chapter but I have exams coming up and I didn't want to leave you guys hanging any longer **

**Review review review! **


	21. Chapter 21

I was sitting in Carlisle's office as he took a look at my knuckles.

"Nothing seems to be broken, and the bleeding has stopped so no need for stitches, but I'll bandage it up to avoid infection" I looked up and saw Edward standing at the door looking frustrated, now that I thought about it, Carlisle looked frustrated too. I was about to tell them I wasn't trying to cut myself when Edward spoke.

"Bella I think it would be best if you went back to your room." My shoulders stiffened as I walked past Edward without looking at him. There was only one reason why he would say that.

They had given up on me and were figuring out how to tell me they were leaving again

God I was so stupid! How could I slightly believe they would stay? That they were telling the truth that they loved me? How could I listen to that? How could I be so damn stupid!

I quietly shut my door as a few tears escaped my eyes. I was holding a sob in but I didn't know how long I could keep it in so I turned my tv up as loud as it could go. I walked over to the window when I saw my escape.

Makayla, Jason, Ryan and Mat.

If the Cullen family wanted me gone then I would be gone.

**Edward POV**

After Bella was back in her room I called the rest of the family down for a meeting.

"Edward what's wrong? Why did Carlisle tell Bella to go to her room?" Esme asked me

"Alice informed me that next week Bella's old…. Friends…. (I had trouble calling them that) were coming to try and break her out and we think we should discuss moving Bella to Alaska for a month or so"

"We would need Charlie's permission to move her though Edward" Carlisle reminded me

"I know, but I think if we told him her progress, and that they pose a threat to that progress he would be willing, we could give them all the contact information as well"

"Why don't we just stand at the drive way and stop them?" Emmet asked

"Because after next week they won't stop trying. They think we tricked Charlie and that she is fine, in their defense they don't know about the cutting or the starvation" I answered. I also have a theory

"Go on" Alice said perplexed

"If we introduce Bella to our extended family I think she will really start to trust us again."

The conversation continued on for half an hour before we settled on a plan all of ran to Bella's room, excited to tell her the news but when we opened the door, she was gone.

**BPOV**

I kept my TV on as I quietly opened the window and climbed as swiftly as I could down the pipe drain and finally landed on the ground, back pack in hand. I was engulfed in hugs before we ran to the car and started driving.

"WE DID IT!" Mak yelled from the front seat

"time to party!" Jason fist pumped, his other hand on the steering wheel. Mak grabbed a pipe and packed some weed into it

"First toke to you Bella!" she said. I was a bit nervous I hadn't smoked in what felt like forever but after I took that first toke I remembered why I loved the stuff.

"Hey Bella look in Ryan's back pack" Mat told me. When I opened it I saw a 40 of whiskey!

"And its not even my birthday!" I said and kissed Ryan and Mat on the cheek. I cracked the bottle open and took a deep swig from it. It burned my throat and I coughed after which made everyone laugh

"Been a while eh?" Jason joked

"You have no fucking clue" I said and took another sip before I passed it around. We arrived at the house party already tipsy. The music was cranked and all I wanted to do was dance

"I'm so excited!"

We walked into the house and went into the kitchen. We found some plastic cups and made ourselves some drinks I could really feel the alcohol hitting me now. I recognized a few partiers who gave me hugs and asked where I had been I made up some lame excuse which satisfied them. Mike was at the party too, which was really unexpected but I ran and gave him a big hug.

"Oh my god Bella!" he said and hugged me back suddenly he grabbed my face and started making out with me. I felt a little uncomfortable like I was doing something wrong, but then I remembered that the Cullens weren't coming back and this was my life again. Thinking about that made the knife in my chest twist so I took another drink. Jason grabbed my hand and pulled me to the living room where some people were snorting blow I took a few lines and was about to get one ready for Jason but before I could do that he laid me on the table and pulled my shorts down I was about to ask what he was doing before I felt some powder being sprinkled on my ass,I started laughing

"Bella don't move it'll spill dummy" he said to me before snorting the coke off my butt cheek after a few more lines he pulled my shorts up and refilled my drink I stumbled back into the kitchen and found Mak

"Mak I missed you so so so so much" I said and throw my arm around her

"girl you are drunk" she giggled I whispered in her ear

"And high, why go down?"

"When you can go up?" she finished for me and laughed suddenly our song came on we looked at each other and screamed

"I did not miss that" Jason chuckled

"Awh did you miss this?" I said and kissed him passionately

"sure did" he said and smacked my ass

"Bella come on!" Mak yelled I ran to the kitchen counter and we both climbed on and started dancing on it. A small crowd of guys started standing around it including Jason and Mike. Noticing the crowd, Mak looked at me and grabbed the hem of my shirt and started lifting it, so I did the same to hers. Suddenly we were both in shorts and our bras dancing on the counter

"KISS KISS KISS KISS" The guys around us started chanting, it wouldn't be the first time we made out for crowd pleasing so I kissed her, her tongue entered my mouth and all the guys started screaming. Mak broke away and jumped down from the counter

"BODY SHOTS" she yelled I lay down on the counter and she poured the alcohol on my stomach and licked it up. Then I did the same to her.

"My turn" Mike purred into my ear so I lay back down and let him take one. I saw some tequila on the table

"My turn" I said back, I put some salt on his neck and a lemon in his mouth. I licked the salt off his neck, took the shot of tequila and took the lemon from his mouth with mine which lead to a long make out session. When I broke away finally and pulled the lemon from my mouth when I looked up I saw Edward, Emmet and Jasper all looking shocked. I had no idea how long they had been watching me but I didn't care I was not going back with them so they could leave me again.

I pushed my way through the crowd to get away from them. I had no idea where my shirt went but when I saw Mak on the table again I decided to join her. We were dancing like crazy. I threw my head back and let my hair fall down. I could feel my brain getting more and more cloudy and I loved it. It didn't even cause me pain to look at them. This life was way more fun than the life they wanted me to live.

**Sorry for taking so long to update! The party and the Cullens attempts to get Bella to come back with them will continue next chapter! I promised a relapse so it'll be two chapters long **


	22. Chapter 22

I continued to dance on the table with Mak just feeling myself getting more and more drunk. Finally the blow started kicking in and I had so much energy there was nothing else I could do but dance all of it off I could feel my heart racing but I couldn't stop dancing to the music.

I decided to go find Mike so I jumped of the table and swayed a little on my feet I felt a cold hand grab my elbow I looked over and saw Emmet standing there.

"Let's go home Bella" he said in my ear over the music, I ripped my elbow out of his hand and slurred out a no and started looking for Mike

I pushed my way through all the people giving my old friends hugs and high fives as they saw me finally I saw him with a crown of people, what was even more strange than mike being here was seeing Jessica and Lauren here I craned my neck and found Makayla and grabbed her before heading back over to Mike.

I walked over behind him and jumped on his back, which could have ended badly seeing as he was more drunk than I was but I guess the Cullen's didn't make me too fat.

"Guess who" I whispered in his ear and nibbled a little on it I jumped off of him and gave him a quick kiss on the mouth and turned around, his arms wound around me and Makayla

"Your two favourite girls came to see you" Makayla said

"Where have you been Bella?" Jessica said with a snare

"None of your business" Makayla answered

"Begging for Edward to come back to you I suppose" Lauren laughed

"Not at all for your information" I said back just as nasty

"Then you won't mind if he comes home with me tonight then" Jessica said who glanced towards Mike hoping for a reaction from him. I gritted my teeth but knew Edward would never go home with her

"Fine by me, I'm leaving with Mike" They stormed off in Edwards direction. Mike turned me around to kiss me but I stopped him

"Later I need to talk to Mak" His face clearly showed that he was extremely unimpressed

"If they touch Edward I'll kick their teeth in" Makayla said before me

"You are my best friend" I noticed eyes on me and I turned to see Jasper coming towards me

"One more shot? Mak suggested

"Of course" Unfortunately Jasper followed us there Mak was pouring some whiskey into shot glasses, of course when she said one she meant three

"Bella you can hardly walk straight" Jasper said to me

"Jasper the cocaine made my heart race which makes me metabolise the whiskey faster so based on science" I flicked his nose which cracked my nail "I can keep drinking"

"What Bella you were doing cocaine?" he said shocked

"A little blow never hurt anyone" right then Mak brought the shots over

"Uh hi…. Cullen right? We just decided that Bella needed a night out of that house" Jasper just glared at her "Whatever I was just trying to be nice, here Bella cheers" we clinked out glasses together and took the shots "Don't you dare throw up Bella"

"Just give me a second" I shook my head "Alright lets go find her"

"Bella what are you planning on doing?" Jasper asked

"leave us alone" but instead Emmet joined him too

"Good you found her!"

Mak nudged me and pointed in Lauren and Jessica's direction who were swooning over Edward.

"What's our plan of action?" I asked Makayla

"Bella its time to leave, aren't you cold walking around in your bra?" Emmet said we should ignored him

"Just follow my lead" Mak answered we walked over towards them

"Oh Edward you are so funny!" Jessica said and put her hand on his chest. Mak pushed her way through

"Hi Edward! My name is Makayla I am Bella's best friend" she interjected

"Hi" Edward replied looking a bit confused

"I can see why you and Bella were together, good looking people tend to drift together, but why are you downgrading to these ugly sluts?" Mak said innocently

"Ugly!" yelled Jessica

"Sluts!" cried Lauren and swung at me while Jessica tried to punch Makayla

I punched Lauren right in the nose and then again in the stomach, she grabbed my hair and we fell to the ground. I rolled over on top of her and started punching her as much as I could I felt cold arms pull me off of her and when I was off of her she ran and tackled Makayla off of Lauren I could feel myself being dragged from the fight

"LET GO YOU'RE HURTING ME!" naturally they let go, afraid their vampire strength was crushing me and I ran and tackled one of the girls, I think Jessica, off of Makayla all of us were back on our feet again and I grabbed Jessica by the back of the head and kneed her right in the face and Mak held Lauren in a choke hold.

Finally they ran away and Mak and I high fived a cold hand was about to pull me away when Jason grabbed my waist and pulled me in to a hot kiss. Matt and Ryan lifted Mak on their shoulders and everyone was cheering for us. No one at the party liked them it was just another attempt to get Mikes attention

Jason kept kissing me and when he finally stopped he gave me a big hug and high fived me

"God I missed watching you chicks fight!" I was suddenly thrown over Emmets shoulder and was being forced to leave the party I saw my friend chase after me, but Emmet picked up the pace. They were just in the kitchen when we were already out the door I was placed in the back seat beside Jasper, Emmet got in the passenger seat and Edward started driving

"Pull over" I said suddenly

"We aren't letting you go back there!" Edward said kind of loudly

"I'm gonna puke" the car came to a sudden stop and I threw the door open and puked my guts out" I leaned back into the car and cracked a window a water bottle was thrust into my hands

"Drink" Jasper commanded me as Edward started speeding again. I fell over put my head on Jaspers lap, his cool legs felt well on my spinning head

"Bella what were you thinking?" Edward said

"Don't wanna talk bout it" I slurred "I juss want shots" I put the water bottle to my mouth and could feel it dripping down the side of my mouth onto Jaspers pants

"No more drinking" Edward said

"If she didn't do half the shit she did, she would be kind of funny drunk" Emmet said, Edward growled

"Grrrrrr I can growl too Eddy. I aint scurrrred of yewww" I said

"Point proven" Emmet laughed

"Hey Emmet"

"Yea?"

"Shut up." That stopped him laughing. "You pricks were gonna leave meh again. Nuh uh not cool" I said

"What? Is that what you thought Bella? Is that why you ran away?"

"Jasper we should TOTALLY make out cause Alice lied and Edward lied and it would PISS dem offfffffff" I could feel his legs shake a little as he laughed. Which I laughed too

"Bella we aren't leaving"

"El oh el sure thing bro. I missed my Makayla and Jason and Ryan and Matt and alcohol." I shot up from Jaspers lap "AND BLOW"

"WHAT?" Edward yelled

"Oooer didn't read that from Jaspers mind, yes sir and I missed it but I'm crashing now and that is just so sad, we should get more!"

"Bella stop." Emmet said looking a little scared of Edward

"Why? Why go down when I can go UPPPPPP" I fell back onto Jaspers lap "Ow" we were puling up the long windy drive way now. Suddenly I was lifted from the car and cradled towards Edwards chest if I thought I could walk on my own I would have kicked my way down we walked into the house and I heard Alice gasp

"Thank god you found her!" she said I rolled my head in her direction

"I made out with Jasper IN THE CAR"

"And she has had a lot to drink" she said looking a little alarmed.

"more bed" I slurred Edward carried me up to my bedroom and put me under the covers

"I still love you Bella, we aren't leaving. We will talk about this in the morning"

"Funny I don't think we will" and i went into a dreamless sleep

**Decided I didn't want to leave you guys hanging! Especially after so many reviews! Hope you enjoyed this chapter as well! **


	23. Chapter 23

**Once again, just sitting at a bus station for 2 hours so here is another chapter **

My stomach was lurching and my throat felt like it had cotton balls stuffed down it. I rolled over to see it was a little past 10 am. My stomach shook violently as I ran to the bathroom to throw up only bile. After I brushed my teeth I jumped in the shower (which I also threw up in twice) finally I just sat down in the shower and started thinking about last night

Did I regret it? Well right now yea because I felt like shit. But it was the most fun I had had in a long time. I missed feeling like at any moment anything could happen and I wasn't afraid of any opportunity. I got out of the shower and wrapped a fluffy towel around my body then just lay down on the tile. The coolness felt nice against my cheek and I thought I would just take another nap when an annoying tapping started to sound on the bath room door

"Bella breakfast is ready" I heard Edward say I just sorta groaned a response "are you alright?" when I didn't reply he started to sound alarmed "Bella come out please" he must of heard me get up off the floor because he didn't say anything else as I walked over to it my head spinning

"Yes Edward?" I said a little more irritably than I should have

"Breakfast is ready, please come down stairs when you're ready"

"Yes fine"

I brushed my hair and put my pajamas back on then headed down stairs, with no intentions of eating, but when I got down there it was all of my favourite hangover foods, bacon, fresh fruit and lightly buttered toast. They also had an entire case of water set out for me and Advil.

"Good morning drunky!" Emmet called from the living room where he and the others were watching TV. I laughed a little and then picked at my food when I ate as much as my stomach could handle I went to sit in the living room.

"Did you have fun last night" Emmet said with a smirk

"Yep" I said popping the p

"Well you better prepare yourself for the third degree you're gonna get from anyone else, I on the other hand thought you were quite funny, but there was some things I could have gone without seeing" he told me

"Emmet!" Alice groaned "Were not going to give her the third degree we just want to talk to her" Emmet and I exchanged glances. I was totally gonna get it.

"Well let's get it over with then" I said with a sigh

"Well Bella," Edward started "I wish you didn't sneak out, we were able to follow your trail yes but something could have happened and then we might not have found out, also the drinking and the drugs and your general behavior I have some problems with"

"What? How I made out with Mike Newton and Jason? And that we did some body shots together" I said trying to get a reaction out of him. The tension in the entire room became palpable as the others didn't know how to react to what I said. A low growl rumbled in his chest as he spoke through gritted teeth

"To name a few."

"What else? That me and Makayla decided to dance on the tables without or shirts and then walked around the whole party without them?" the growl became louder.

"Yes that too Bella"

And now the finale I thought with a smirk

"Or that I took my pants off so that I could let Jason snort coke off my ass?" Edward growled louder than I have ever heard and jumped to his feet. Emmet and Jasper sprang up as well to stop him if he did anything stupid.

"YES BELLA! YES BELLA ALL OF THOSE THINGS! EVERY SINGLE LAST ONE. I HAD TO WALK AROUND THAT ENTIRE PARTY LISTENING TO EVERYONE'S THOUGHTS ABOUT ALL THE THINGS THEY WANTED TO DO WITH YOU, I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOUR HEALTH AFTER DOING DRUGS AND I WAS WORRIED ALL NIGHT THAT YOU MIGHT HAVE ALCOHOL POISONING. AND THEN I HAD TO WATCH KISS THOSE NEANDERTHALS AND KEEP MYSELF FROM TEARING THEM APART AFTER." He shouted at me. I had never been so scared in my life. He really looked like a monster I shrunk back into my seat. I glanced around the room everyone else looked scared of him too. Reading the room he took a few calming breaths before continuing

"I love you bella. Don't you get that? Don't you understand? It physically hurts me to see you behave that way" after he calmed down I got my nerve back

"WELL NEWS FLASH EDWARD" I said getting to my feet "you dumped me. Not the other way around you didn't love me so you left and I picked the pieces back up. ALONE! So if I want to dull the pain someone how then I should be allowed too without you causing more problems for me!"

"like cutting yourself and starving yourself? He threw back at me

"YES!" I said walking back into the kitchen where my back pack was, everyone followed and I started rummaging through it "When you left me, you made it so I didn't have anyone to answer too" Finally I found what I was looking for, the razor blade that they didn't know about (A/N read earlier chapters I mention that there is a razor blade still in there *taps head knowingly*) "SO I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT"

"Bella think about what you're doing" Edward said cautiously but I was so full of rage I couldn't think

"Come on Bella put that down" Jasper said a little afraid, for him or me I wasn't sure

"WHY! Why should I? You left me! You made me this way! If this makes me feel better why should any of you try to stop me" I pushed the razor a little harder on my arm Jasper ran from the room and Alice followed him

"Bella you could hurt yourself, you could die from this" Rosalie said taking a step forward

"Don't you get it? I don't care! If I die cool if I don't cool! It doesn't matter to me anymore. My mom would rather be with her boyfriend than me, I'm just a burden on Charlie and the people who claimed to love me the most, pretty much left me for dead. Then they come back, lying to me about how they're going to stay and are trying to break me again well I won't let that happen! I WONT LET THAT HAPPEN AGAIN" and with that I sliced my arm open.

It was better than alcohol, better than blow, better than the delicious food I had ate just half an hour ago. This cut was deep. Not like the small one I was able to get on my hand. This cut was heavenly, this razor was my friend. The stress of the argument gone in seconds, Edward could yell about whatever he wanted for all I cared. I was acutely aware of my surroundings. Rosalie and Emmet fled the room. I could feel Edwards cold hand as he pressed some paper towel to my wound to slow the bleeding Carlisle came home from the hospital and started speaking to him but I couldn't make out the words

I knew I would be in for it later but that seemed so far away

I just sat there blissfully.


	24. Chapter 24

My knees gave out and I slunk to the floor. I hadn't felt like this since Edward made me take out the homemade stitches I made.

Carlisle and Edward cleaned and dressed my wound and then started whispering frantically at a sound level I was unable to hear. It was now that I was really able to marvel at Edwards's beauty. And as beautiful as he is, there was something wrong.

His eyes, which usually were a wonderful topaz were solid black surrounded by deep bruises. The way he was scrutinizing it wasn't the concentrated look of solving puzzle that I adored but hard with worry and fear and his lips. The ice cold lips were pressed firmly together from agony. I guessed that in a second or two he would bring his hand up and pinch the bridge of his nose.

His hand raised, and I smiled slightly, but it didn't go to his nose like I anticipated instead it went to his hair. He tugged at it furiously and then bent over to lean on the counter it was only now that I was able to hear him, and if I wasn't so numb from the cut I'm sure I would have been able to feel his pain too.

"Oh god Carlisle what have I done?" he moaned "I can't go on like this, knowing what I've done to her. I am the sickest and most wicked type of monster"

"Edward it'll get better, we knew this would take some time" Carlisle replied

"But am I doing more harm than good? Maybe I should leave for a while let her get better without my constant gaze on her"

"Edward you know leaving would only prove to her that she can't trust us, she needs you here, and you know that, you need to stop seeing it as if everything we have done so far is a failure. Look at how much she eats now or that she can actually talk again. Edward, Jasper can even be in the same room as her. It's a slow pace but its working"

My mind started whirling thinking about him leaving again. I could almost feel the tile of the floor turn dirt as the thought of him leaving brought me back to the forest. Even through the cut I could feel this. The knife in my chest digging into my. I could feel my breathing getting heavier and shallow. Edward was suddenly in front of me. He put his hand out to touch me, to comfort me, but then it seemed he had second thoughts and put it back down.

"Bella, Bella? Deep breathing what's wrong?" he turned to Carlisle "Carlisle could the cut have been worse than we thought"

"I don't believe so we can take another look though"

I reached out and grabbed Edward's face with both of my hands. He was startled by the action as I turned his head back to face me.

"Don't leave again" I was able to whisper through the hyperventilating

"I won't Bella. Never will I leave your side I swear" he vowed to me.

He then slowly reached out to me, testing my reaction, and pulled me into a hug. I winced slightly still afraid of the contact but when he hugged me it was like he was holding all the pieces together. I breathed in his scent and sighed

It was the first time in a long time that I felt whole, that I felt normal that I felt like….. me.

We stayed like that for a while. Long enough that the numbness from the cut was gone and fear and doubt suddenly crept in my mind.

Was this temporary? All of it? Would they put me back together only to leave and I would fall apart again. I pulled away from the embrace and looked him in the eyes

"You should hunt"

"Bella I have never been in more control of that side of me more than this moment"

"Your eyes are black and I have never seen the bruises under your eyes so dark."

"Edward she's right" Alice interjected. The rest of them were piling into the house. He looked at her as they had a silent conversation.

"I'm not sure…" he said hesitantly and looked over at me

"Don't be an idiot just go" I told him. He sighed and then said

"I will be back in an hour I promise" he touched my cheek and I flinched but he held it there for a while until I relaxed. When I did, after a moment or two, he smiled down at me and was out the door.

"I think Esme and I will join him" Rosalie said and the two of them followed

"You look tired Bella, why don't you have a nap" Alice said

It was then I realized how exhausted I really was. My sudden outburst of anger after breakfast, cutting myself, the mini meltdown when I thought Edward was leaving, hugging him for god knows how long, having the doubts and fear suddenly etch their way into my mind until the moment. It had been a rollercoaster of emotions and it was hardly even 1pm.

"Good idea" I mumbled in response and headed upstairs to lay down for a bit

It felt like I was only asleep for minutes when I was being gently woken up

"Bella, I just need you to wake up for a second" it was Edwards voice

"Edward?"

"Yes Bella, it is 2 o clock now I just wanted to let you know I kept my promise I was home in a hour, go back to sleep now"

"thank you, night" I said and rolled over and fell back to sleep

I woke up a little while later to my stomach rumbling so I went downstairs to make a snack but as I headed down I could already smell something delicious cooking. As I followed my nose to the kitchen I was surprised to see Edward making my dinner

"Well good evening sleepy head" he said to me with a crooked smile

"Your cooking?" I asked amused

"I am"

"Be careful Bella after everything you could have died from last night you don't want it to be Edwards cooking that finishes you off" Emmet yelled from the other room with his booming laugh. A hard smack, probably on the back of his head, followed not too long after. Edward growled slightly as well

"What's on the menu" I said with a slight giggle, it was kinda funny what Emmet said

Wait giggle? I haven't done that (sober) in a long time. I actually couldn't remember the last time I did giggle at something. It didn't go unnoticed. Edward whipped his head to look at Esme, who was sitting at the table working on some project, who looked back at him and they both smiled slightly, trying to be cover it up. It didn't even irritate me. I was just as surprised as they were.

"Mushroom ravioli" Edward replied

I scoffed slightly

"Feeling sentimental?"

"Of course I am" he answered not put back at all by my remark

"Well it does smell amazing" I said truthfully

"Does it really?" he looked honestly at me like he really thought his meal was going to be disgusting or something

"Yes it does, and I'm starving when will dinner be ready"

"15 more minutes"

"Think I could have a small snack to tie me over until then, my stomach was growling pretty hard" it then growled quite loud as if to make a point

"Of course" he gave me a granola bar trying to cover, and failing, his huge smile

"What are you smiling at?" I asked

"Oh nothing"

"Edward" Alice called from the other room. He then turned back to me

"It's just, I was thinking about how you would never asked for a small snack before" he started smiling again "It was hard to get you to eat anything at all I was, I am, smiling because of how far you've come"

"Oh. That's umm, great I guess" I said awkwardly and munched on my snack

We sat in silence for a while when Esme suddenly stood up.

"I really need to do some shopping, who wants to come with me?" Alice and Rosalie did of course but it surprised me that Jasper and Emmet said they would go too we all said bye and it was just Edward and I

"Where is Carlisle?"

"He is upstairs, I'm sure you noticed that everyone else left, I saw you surprised by this. I want to talk with you over dinner Bella in private. Carlisle remained in case….."

"In case I lose it again" I answered

"Well I wasn't going to use the term 'lose it' but I suppose that's correct"

"I'm in trouble then aren't I?" I knew something like this morning would get me a big lecture

"No you aren't I want to explain something too you" he sat me down with my dinner and began talking


	25. Chapter 25

I sat down at the table as Edward scooped the mushroom ravioli onto a plate. His brow was furrowed. I could tell he was concentrating with everything he had and I didn't think it was on the ravioli. He walked a little slower than usual and then sat down beside me. I started to get worried. What was making him nervous to sit by me? Was he leaving? Did he want to explain that he only wanted me as a friend and that my hugging him was irrational? I knew I loved Edward, could never love another but I also knew I couldn't survive being hurt so badly again. Could I handle just being Edwards friend? Watching him fall in love with some beautiful immortal?

Surely not.

But I also couldn't go through him leaving again.

Can't trust myself being with him, can't trust myself being without him.

"Your heart is racing" Edward said "What's wrong?"

"Just nervous about what you want to talk about" I said a little too quickly

He took a deep breath

"I'm just as nervous" he replied. Oh god he was scared I was going to go into another mental breakdown and stop eating and cutting. God I need to cut right now this tension is driving me insane

"Just say it" he seemed a little surprised by how tense I was. His eyes flickered to my hand which was clenching the fork with all my might. He slowly reached out and grabbed my hand, testing to see how I would react. And massages small circles until I was able to relax

"Don't be scared Bella. Eat and I'll explain."

"Okay" and I took a bite

"Bella after your birthday" I winced at the memory but he kept going "I was so upset with what happened. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried I was constantly putting you in danger. First with James then my own family. I wanted so much for you that I couldn't believe how selfish I was to be constantly putting you in harm's way. I knew that the only way you could be safe was if I removed the danger, removed myself."

I was trying to figure out what he was getting at but my mind was drawing up blanks

"I need you to look at my for this part Bella" he said and grabbed my hand again "When I brought you into the forest and said I didn't love you that was a lie. The biggest lie I ever told anyone walking this earth. Mortal or immortal."

"A….lie?" I asked hesitantly

"Yes a lie Bella, I could never fall out of love with you. I love you now and I'll love you forever"

I then threw up all over the table and fell out of my chair

I didn't know how long I had been passed out for only that I was just beginning to hear what was going on around me

"Bella always had the funniest reactions to things" Emmet said

"Emmet this isn't funny" Edward growled

"You know how embarrassed she is going to, she has no reason too but don't make this harder on her" Esme scolded

"Neanderthal" I heard Rosalie call him

"Bella can probably hear us now" Alice said

Suddenly a cold hand was pressed to my forehead as my eyes fluttered open

"How are you feeling" Edward asked gently

"Embarrassed" I replied I sat up a little on the couch but my hard started spinning. Edward chuckled slightly

"Here's some water love" my heart fluttered slightly

"oh Edward can laugh at her funny reactions but I can't?" Emmet said under his breath as he and everyone else left the room

"How are you feeling, really Bella" Edward said

"a little woozy but I'll survive" I took another few sips of water "I think I just need more sleep" and before I knew it I was being carried into my bedroom "This is unnecessary"

"Bella I tell you I love you and you throw up and pass out, it's a little necessary" he said with a grin. He laid me down on the bed "mind if I sit?" he asked

"not at all" he sat very stiffly at the end of my bed I crawled under the covers and sighed "If you going to stay you might as well get comfy he moved up so that he was sitting with his upper body leaning against the head board and his legs laid out on top of the comforter

"I need to know Bella"

"Know what?" I asked confused

"Have you fallen out of love with me? It would be understood if you did. The pain I caused you. What all of us leaving did to your mental state? It would be more that understandable if you did" I could hear the sadness in his voice

"Edward. I could never love anyone like I love you. I will never love anyone besides you its just…."

"Go on tell me"

"I don't think I could survive you leaving again. You never saw how bad it was at the beginning just how I eventually coped with it. I know It's pathetic but I don't think I could make it through a second time"

He thought about this for a second. Then he slowly put his arms around me. I tensed, the touching made me tense but he waited until my muscles relaxed.

"Bella I am over the moon with joy hearing that you still love me. I will love you forever and I will spend forever proving that I will never leave you again"

"But Edward, those dangers are still out there you could change my mind"

"But Bella I know the dangers of me leaving as well. You said that you couldn't survive me leaving again and I believe you. I also know that if you did survive the dangers you would be putting yourself in. I know that you will either starve yourself, cut yourself or party yourself to death eventually. I couldn't leave you knowing what decisions you would make in order to forget the pain. It wouldn't be your fault if you chose these things again. It's not your fault now either. Its mine I forced you into a situation you didn't want. I could never leave knowing the risks. Besides I am also an entirely selfish creature I couldn't leave knowing what it would do to me. I can't be without you. In face I refuse." He finished with a small smile

"I like the sound of that but right now Edward those are just words I can't let my walls down yet."

"I understand Bella for now sleep."

**DON'T WORRY! This isn't the end **** hope you guys enjoyed this !**


End file.
